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Husband

Happy Anniversary

posted on : April 1, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

My husband and I just celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. When we married I had a lot of hopes, dreams and expectations. Some of them were even realistic! Since I grew up with a single parent I remember wondering what married couples talk about, especially in the evenings. I didn’t really know what it was like to have a man around all of the time, so I had some apprehension about how marriage would be. But I married him with stars in my eyes and love in my heart. Our marriage has been good but in some ways it turns out I married a stranger. Oh, I knew he was a good man and we had similar values. He treated his parents and me with love and respect. He loved our Savior, Jesus Christ and living gospel principles was important to him. We had fun together and I loved being with him. He also wanted to have children and I loved him dearly and so we began our lives together. But, there have been many things about him that have surprised me. When we married he was working as a school psychologist and kept school hours. He was home by 4:00, even though I didn’t get off work until 5:00. He was usually busy working at other things while I was still at work. I tease him that I married a mild mannered school psychologist who turned out to be an entrepreneur. The signs were there that he was entrepreneurial but I just didn’t see them. At the time besides being a school psychologist he was teaching community education classes, writing a column for a newspaper, doing hypnosis to help people quit smoking as well as doing a home business of upholstery. Of course now I look back and realize all of the signs were there. Actually being a hard worker is a good thing, I was just pleasantly surprised by it.

When we had been married about 5 months he was offered a job as a program planner with a developmental center for people with intellectual disabilities. He took the job and so began our venture into the world of developmental disabilities, a cause he has become passionate about. Since that time he has started a nonprofit organization that supplies services and staff to help people with developmental disabilities be successful in their lives. Through his hard work the company has expanded to several states and to several thousand employees. I have told him that he is recreationally impaired because he would rather work than play. There was one time I even told him I would never go on another vacation with him because all he mostly did was work while the kids and I played. It was not a fun trip!

It’s not just his work ethic that has surprised me. Even though he has traveled much during the years for business, he usually made time for our family. Our children respect and love him dearly and know him to be a man of integrity. They know he will do all in his power to help them in their lives, and that his love for them doesn’t change based on what they do or don’t do. I know he prays for our children daily often takes the long view with them. Because of that our children call him almost daily just to say hello and talk about their day or to ask for his advice. Of course he has regrets as a parent about being away so much and about missing many occasions but we all have things we would do differently as parents. I think that even if he hadn’t traveled so much he would still have regrets because parents are just imperfect people. But I believe he really tried to be a good dad. He told me once that he kept growing the company because the bigger it got the more financially stable we were. We have 8 children and families cost money and he took his role as the provider seriously. I think love for his family and his passion for those with developmental disabilities fueled his work ethic. It was hard having him gone so much but I knew he wasn’t playing but working hard for us. I really didn’t know when we married what kind of dad he would be but I have been grateful that he is the dad of my children.

As he was and is a good father he is also a good husband. He frequently puts my wants and needs before his own. It’s the little things like letting me choose the restaurant when we eat out or deciding what to do on our dates. He will send me a text to “buy it” when he knows I’m shopping because he knows I’m cheap sometimes. I love how he holds my hand when we’re walking along somewhere together. He peels an orange and offers me half of it. Anything I bring home he will assemble because he knows it gives me anxiety to even think about putting something together. He supports me in my church callings and by his examples encourages me to do and be better. He values my happiness and will work to solve problems we have and not just dismiss what I want. I never have to wonder if he’s telling me the truth. He tells me frequently that he loves me. Did I know that he would be this way when I married him? Definitely not! But of course I hoped so. So really I married a stranger in some ways, and I got lucky because he is even better than I thought. I now know what couples talk about in the evenings, and what it’s like to have a man around all of the time. I’m glad he’s that man. He is a good person, dad and husband and I hope we are lucky enough to have another 34 years together. Happy Anniversary my Love!

Lessons Learned

Dream Big, Work Hard

posted on : September 13, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

When I was in my early 20’s I saw a sign that said “A Dreamer Lives Forever” and I thought it was a great saying.  I did little doodles with this saying and put them on my wall, and I felt it was profound. Currently there are similar signs that say things like “Dream Big” or “Live Your Dreams” and other similar thoughts, but now I think the sayings are a little incomplete.  Dreaming is only one part of the equation.  Without work or effort dreams amounts to very little, as well as efforts without dreams also don’t mean much.  Thomas S. Monson had a saying that I particularly like, from a talk he gave in 1989. “Vision without effort is daydreaming, effort without vision is drudgery; but vision, coupled with effort, will obtain the prize.”  I like this saying because there was a time when it seemed that all I did was work, work, work!  I was always tired and it felt like my life was drudgery as I went from one thing to the next.  When I read this quote I realized what was missing: vision.  I was working hard without a vision of why I was expending so much effort.  I did some pondering about why I was working so hard, raising my children and keeping up my home, trying to be a good wife and a good person.  I thought about what my purpose was not only as a wife and mother but as a person and a child of God.  I thought about why I was here on this earth and basically, what my goals in life were.  It took me a while but slowly I started to look at things differently.  I’d like to say that all the hard work went away but it didn’t and sometimes I didn’t keep my vision in the forefront of my thinking so sometimes it still seemed like drudgery. But my attitude and thinking did improve and at least I knew why I was doing all that hard work.  Over the years I have gotten better at keeping my vision, my goals in my mind.  Even now, with only one child at home, when life is easier, I still need to have vision and goals.  I still need to know why I’m doing what I’m doing.  Dreaming is good, and combining it with effort will win the prize.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/06/finishers-wanted?lang=eng

Husband,Parenting

Differences in Parenting

posted on : January 12, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

My husband and I haven’t always agreed on child rearing methods and practices.  He is more lenient, kinder and if our kids came to him asking for money he had his wallet out asking them how much they wanted before they even finished asking him for it.  He believes, and rightly so, that you treat a person as you want them to become and you just love them.  I believe that’s important too but that child rearing needs rules such as everyone has jobs to do in a family which allows people to feel good about contributing, being a valued and important member of the family and teaches them to work.  If they wanted to have some extra money, I had a lot of extra jobs they could do to earn it themselves. He feels that rules are important too but that you mostly lead by example and kids learn from what they see their parents doing, and of course he’s right again because kids do learn from what you do and say. He is a hard worker, he’s honest and faithful to responsibilities and commitments and so our kids will learn to be also (and they have). I think children and teens earn trust, respect and privileges, especially as they grow older and as our children grew older he thought that they just got more privileges because they were getting older.  I think that by giving kids everything they want they develop a sense of entitlement.  He once told me that he naturally deferred to how he was raised, that his parent treated him with respect and love and he just always wanted to measure up.  I have pointed out that he was always a good kid, that he didn’t lie to his parents and steal from them to feed a growing drug habit or to just buy something they wanted.  That he didn’t sneak out after his parents went to bed to meet up with his friends, that he wasn’t doing illegal things when he was with them and that he was morally clean, and most importantly that he didn’t have mental health issues that clouded his thinking. We basically approached child rearing from very different viewpoints.

If we ever had disagreements it was usually about how to handle a problem with one of our children.  And sometimes I would be really mad at him but through it all, I always tried to remember that he loved our kids just as much as I did and that he wasn’t trying to be difficult or stubborn but that he truly thought that how he wanted to solve the problem was the best way to do it.  Remembering this helped me to focus on the issue, to listen better to what he had to say and to try to understand him and then to compromise.  In compromising we tried to combine some of his ideas and some of mine.  Usually we ended up with a better way to deal with the problem.  Sometimes when there could be no compromise, that it had to be one way or the other we went with the one who felt the strongest about the issue and sometimes we just took turns doing it the way one of us wanted. And I have also tried to focus on that he was an involved parent, that he was there physically and emotionally, he didn’t defer everything to me and take the easier path of noninvolvement.  He loves our kids just as much as I do.

Husband,Mental Health

Communication in Marriage

posted on : September 9, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

My mother grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic who also was bipolar, and my mother never knew her father.  Mental health issues weren’t diagnosed as easily in the 40’s and 50’s when my mother was a child, and maybe her life be would different now if her mother could have gotten help. Probably to cope, her mother would board her with people and then disappear.  My mother doesn’t remember how many people she lived with throughout her childhood and she once told me that she tried to be the best little girl that she could so  people would keep her as long as possible. She once said to me that she doesn’t know how many elementary schools she went to because when people would get tired of her being around they would call her mother and then she would live with her mother for a while and then be boarded again with someone else.  Her mother worked in bars as a barmaid and moved around a lot.  My mother grew up very timid and never wanted to offend anyone with anything she said or did.  She never really spoke her opinion on things to others and rarely disagreed with someone.  I think she thought that if she did she wouldn’t be liked and then rejected.  Not being rejected was a major theme in her life and that is the background that I grew up in.  Children learn from their parents how life works and without knowing it, I learned that’s how you interact with people. When I was first married, any time my husband and I had a disagreement I didn’t want to talk about it.  I retreated into myself and stewed quietly full of resentment that I couldn’t express what I truly felt.  My husband came from an entirely different background.  His family was very blunt, without being rude, and said exactly what they thought and then moved on.  They spoke their minds freely and usually without any emotional hangovers. So, whenever we had disagreements he naturally couldn’t understand why I would clam up.  He would pester me and pester me until I would talk-which drove me crazy.  I felt harangued and in a bind. I couldn’t say what was bothering me or how I felt about something without fear of rejection, and the funny thing is that I wasn’t really aware of why I couldn’t talk to him. I just had a silent fear of talking to him about what I thought and felt. It took a long time and a lot of patience from him and some courage from me, but slowly I learned to trust him and open up. I eventually learned that I could say what I felt and he would still love me.  It took him listening to me without yelling at me or putting me down for what I was saying even if he had an entirely different viewpoint.  Many times I cried through our conversations because my fear was so on the surface, and it took me examining my thoughts and fears to figure out what hidden rules I was operating on.  He learned to be patient and to quit harassing me to talk.  I learned that I could say whatever I wanted, in a kind way of course, and it was okay.  The world didn’t end, he didn’t quit loving me and he didn’t leave me.  Now when we have a disagreement I usually take a few hours to sort out what it is that I’m really thinking or sometimes what the real issue is.  It takes the emotionality out of the issue for me and puts me in a problem solving mode, and then I’m ready to talk to him.  He has learned that if he gives me my space that I will always come talk to him  Of course some problems don’t require time to think about them because it’s pretty apparent what the issues really are, and then we talk it through immediately.  His patience and love for me has shown me that it is safe to express my feelings and thoughts to him, and now he jokes that sometimes he wishes I didn’t feel quite so free to express my feelings.  That freedom to say what I wanted has spilled over into my relationships with others, my friends, family and neighbors and with people I interacted with at church. I used to feel on my guard to say exactly the right things to everyone not wanting to offend anyone.  I rarely offered an opinion or view on something unless it was a safe topic.  It was exhausting!  Again I had to learn it was okay to kindly say what I thought without fear of rejection.  Now I consider myself an outspoken person who I hope is also considerate of others and listens as much as I speak.  Life is better with the freedom to be myself.