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Lessons Learned

Imperfect Mothers and Mother’s Day

posted on : May 8, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Mother’s Day is almost here again. There are lots of different ways that people celebrate Mother’s Day. It is also a day that often evokes a lot of emotions as we think about our mothers, and also think about the hard work and sacrifices that raising children involves.

We often hear sermons in church meetings about those sacrifices and about the virtues of motherhood. And while motherhood truly is a divine calling, sometimes it is presented in an idealized version, and it’s hard for some women to feel like they measure up. Some may leave the meeting feeling a little sad or like a failure. I know in the past I have struggled with some of these feelings. Sometimes after these kind of talks I felt like I just needed to work harder, or listen better or even teach better. Of course I always needed more patience, and my lacking seemed so apparent.

Sometimes in the middle something it is hard to have perspective. Looking back I realize I did the best I could at the time. That involved good things and sometimes, not so good things.  Generally I am at peace about my mothering efforts.

So my goal here is not to paint a picture of a perfect mother because really, there is no such thing. I also don’t want to dwell on negative things. I do want to tell you about two women from the bible from whom I have learned some things.

The first one is Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ. I have always wondered how Christ knew who He was, even as a child. How did He know that He was the Savior of the World, The Only Begotten Son of our Heavenly Father? I pondered that for quite a while when one day it occurred to me that He would have learned it from his mother. She would have told Him of her experience with the angel and of His heavenly origins. It was she who taught Him who He was. Mary inspires me, and from her I have learned the importance of teaching my children who they are and what they are to become.

Another woman from the scriptures that I admire is Eve. I think about her bearing children without a mother or another woman there to help her. How lonely and hard it must have been to not have had another woman to talk things over with and to learn from. She had no precedence-no guide books to baby care, no how-to-survive a teenager manual and no one to guide her on parenting. It really was a learn-as-you-go situation. It was just Adam and Eve working as a team and trying to figure it out together. From Eve I learn that I can keep on mothering even when I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, and trying to figure it out. I also learn the importance of working as a full partnership with my husband.

There are other things I have learned from these two women, as well as other women in the scriptures. I don’t think either of these two women were perfect, even though they were both really good women. Since there is no such thing as a perfect mother, they obviously weren’t that either. From Mary, Eve and also the many good women in my life, I have learned is that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good mother. There are many ways to be a good mom and I bet you’re doing better than you think.

 

 

 

 

Lessons Learned,Life

Dream Job

posted on : June 25, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

My husband absolutely loves his profession and he is lucky to have his dream job.  He likes being able to make a difference in the lives of others and the creativity he is able to express. He enjoys working with great people and learning from them.  But even with his dream job there are things he has to do that he doesn’t like.  He doesn’t like itemizing and submitting for reimbursement because it’s tedious and takes time away from what he really likes to do.  He also doesn’t like sitting in long meetings, traveling away from home so much, and the long hours the job sometimes requires.  Even with all of that he will tell you he loves his job.  I love my job as homemaker and mother.  I enjoy the freedom to plan my own day, to be able to help in my kid’s schools (only one left now), to take my kids to the park and the pool when they were younger, and to have time to make curtains and shop for home decor, to read with my kids (now grandkids), do family history and others such things.  I love planning fun parties to celebrate great moments in our family.  I love to decorate!  Those are some of the things I love and have the freedom to do but even with those things there are a lot of things I don’t like about being a homemaker and even sometimes a mother.  It’s hard to never quite get enough sleep, I dislike paying bills and balancing the checkbook, I don’t like to change bedding and I don’t like yard work.  It’s hard to always do everything with your children in mind-what time will they be home, where do they have to be and what do they need, and since I still have one at home I still have to do that.  Even with all of that I would tell you I have a great job. I love being a homemaker and a mother.  In talking with other people I have learned that no matter what job you have there will be things you like about it and things you don’t like about it.  Of course, if the things you don’t like are greater than the things you do like you may need to be in a different job.  Sometimes we enter a job or profession or even parenthood without realizing that there will be things we don’t like about it.  There are no perfect, stress-free, hassle-free, problem-less jobs.  Figuring that out allowed me to be happy doing what I was doing, and when there were problems, not focusing on the thought that if I was working out of my home I would be happier.  Really, no matter what or where I work there will be things I like and don’t like about what I’m doing, even a dream job.

Family,Lessons Learned

Subtle Learning

posted on : June 7, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I have learned that there are many things that are taught in a family that both the parents and the children are unaware of that are being taught.  I grew up in Southern California away from extended family.  My mother had a brother, who lived with us, and a mother who we often didn’t know where she was and my mother didn’t know her father.  There was very little contact with extended family, no phone calls, no visits-they generally were not part of our lives.  The interesting thing is that my brothers and sister and I do not maintain contact with each other.  We love each other and when we’re together we have a great time but somehow it never occurs to us to call each other just to chat or to keep in touch or to invite someone over for dinner. My husband just shakes his head at me because he can’t comprehend not maintaining contact with loved ones.  He has weekly phone calls with his brothers and sisters and when his parents were alive he called them almost daily “just to check in.”  Fortunately, our children had their father’s example of staying in touch with his extended family, because they call and visit with each other daily.  It took me a long time to figure out why it never occurs to me to call my family, and it’s not that I don’t think about them and it’s not that I don’t love them.  It just never enters my thinking to call when I have news of something good or bad.  And since I rarely hear from my brothers or sister I am assuming that it doesn’t occur to them either.  It takes an event, like a wedding or a birthday or holiday for us to connect, just like it did when I was growing up, and I remember going to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving once.  And when we’re together it’s great and I love them and we always say we need to get together more and we mean it but then we go home to our subtle learning and don’t call each other.  Recognition is one of the first steps to change and maybe it’s time for me to change.

Children,Parenting

Mother’s Day

posted on : May 10, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I always have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day and in most ways I used to dread it.  This is what I wrote in my journal in 2003: “Today is Mother’s Day.  I hate Mother’s Day.  I hear the talks in church and realize all the things I am not doing, that I will never be and never do and not only do I feel guilty, I feel depressed and sad that my children don’t have the mother they deserve.  Today the talks in church were different though. The speakers were assigned to talk about a principle of the gospel they learned from their mothers.  I liked this and for once I didn’t come home from church feeling like a failure…As I sat there thinking (about what the speakers were saying, I thought) about what I learned from my mother, I thought of the principle of tithing.”  I have previously written about how my mom paid tithing on the very little money that she earned and attributed that to our family making it until she graduated from nursing school and got a job.  Because of her firm testimony of tithing I have always paid my tithing, even when I was a very poor college student and I have seen many blessings, not always material, from paying tithing.  I also wrote what I learned from my mother-in-law: “I know that she has a firm belief in the power of prayer.  Many times when she has had problems she has told me that she would immediately fall to her knees and pray.  She has felt a real strength from praying in her life and I believe that has carried over to her children who have such a firm commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.”  Her unflagging devotion to the gospel and prayer have taught me much about praying and I have learned from her to always turn to my Heavenly Father in times of great need and in times of little need.  Some things I hope my children have learned from me include that the gospel is the way to happiness, that love is the key to solving most problems, to be honest with yourself and with others, and to work hard and do your best in whatever you do. Even though I’m not perfect in living these attributes I know them to be important and have gotten better at living them over the years. In spite of my many shortcomings and weaknesses my children are fine adults doing much good in the world.  Whenever I feel badly about not being a better mother I remember a conversation I had with one of my daughters where I apologized for yelling too much and not being patient enough.  She said “mom, I don’t remember you yelling.  I remember you singing and dancing with us in the family room.”  I tear up when I think of this conversation because   maybe I did better than I think, and maybe Mother’s Day is not something I need to dread.

Life,Parenting

It Doesn’t Matter

posted on : January 17, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

When I was a young mother I wanted to be a perfect parent, or at least appear to be perfect with perfect kids. I was often exacting and demanding thinking that their lives reflected on me as a parent.  I dressed my kids well and on Sundays at church they had to have on clean, cute shoes with matching socks and of course hair accessories that matched their clothing.  When something didn’t go exactly how I wanted it to my mother-in-law would say “it doesn’t matter” and I would think “IT DOES TOO MATTER!”  As time went on I battled my kids over these and other unimportant, silly things and caused a lot of disharmony and strife in our home, and I eventually learned that my mother-in-law was right, it didn’t matter.  As teens some of my kids would wear mismatched socks and I learned to think “at least they have socks on” and then my youngest got a little older and she won’t wear socks at all.  I learned again to think “well, at least she has shoes on.”  Most of the things I stressed about with my children were unimportant and trivial while I often missed the big picture, that they were caring, good people who loved each other and wanted to make the world a better place.  As an older parent I realize there is no such thing as a perfect parent and if there was, certainly the standard wouldn’t be measured by shoes and socks.