Browsing Tag: desperation

I have been struggling this week with migraines which is why I haven’t posted something sooner.  This plague has been part of my life for over 40 years.  Sometimes I wonder how I have survived them so long because some of them have been so horrendous, that when I was in the midst of them I didn’t want to be alive anymore.  I have been to every kind of doctor to try to rid myself of this affliction, tried every kind of treatment and have prayed with faith and desperation. Yet, I still have them. After many prayers in which I pleaded for understanding, I received an answer as to why I have this terrible trial in my life.  The answer that came was so that I would need God. The answer was humbling and yet unsatisfactory. Wasn’t there some other way?  In fact it seemed like there were many other ways in which I needed my Father in Heaven.  I have many children with difficult challenges which I prayed and worried about. We’ve had financial challenges through the years and just normal life situations. All through these I have prayed fervently for help.  I also try to be diligent in scripture reading and saying my prayers and fulfilling my callings.  It seems to me I try really hard to be a good person and yet, I still have these awful migraines. No matter what I do, lurking in the background is the fear that I will have a migraine and spoil yet another family outing or that I won’t be able to measure up in some way.  I absolutely hate that these control my life. One particularly dark time started when my youngest child was almost 2 and my oldest was 17. For the next 6 years I had severe migraines every day and I lived in survival mode.  It was during this time I sought every doctor and treatment I could find and nothing helped.  I thought about dying because I thought that if my life offered me nothing but pain in the future, what was there to live for.  I thought about dying because I wasn’t useful to anyone.  I thought about dying because I hurt so much that I was existing and not really living.

Migraines obviously affected my family as well as myself.  Sometimes I would lie in bed knowing I children who needed me, a household to run and a life to live.  I wanted to be able to volunteer at my children’s schools and I wanted to fulfill church responsibilities.  I wanted to be reliable and I wanted to be free of pain.  I really wanted most of all to be a good wife and mother, and I couldn’t do any of these things.  Most days I was lucky if I could do some laundry and put something in the crock pot so my family would have dinner. During those 6 years, and in subsequent years I did learn many things to help me get through those dark days.  In future posts I will write some of the things I found helpful.  Maybe they will be helpful to you too as you deal with whatever is painful in your life.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10/wounded?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/god-shall-wipe-away-all-tears?lang=eng