Mother’s Day is almost here again. There are lots of different ways that people celebrate Mother’s Day. It is also a day that often evokes a lot of emotions as we think about our mothers, and also think about the hard work and sacrifices that raising children involves.
We often hear sermons in church meetings about those sacrifices and about the virtues of motherhood. And while motherhood truly is a divine calling, sometimes it is presented in an idealized version, and it’s hard for some women to feel like they measure up. Some may leave the meeting feeling a little sad or like a failure. I know in the past I have struggled with some of these feelings. Sometimes after these kind of talks I felt like I just needed to work harder, or listen better or even teach better. Of course I always needed more patience, and my lacking seemed so apparent.
Sometimes in the middle something it is hard to have perspective. Looking back I realize I did the best I could at the time. That involved good things and sometimes, not so good things. Generally I am at peace about my mothering efforts.
So my goal here is not to paint a picture of a perfect mother because really, there is no such thing. I also don’t want to dwell on negative things. I do want to tell you about two women from the bible from whom I have learned some things.
The first one is Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ. I have always wondered how Christ knew who He was, even as a child. How did He know that He was the Savior of the World, The Only Begotten Son of our Heavenly Father? I pondered that for quite a while when one day it occurred to me that He would have learned it from his mother. She would have told Him of her experience with the angel and of His heavenly origins. It was she who taught Him who He was. Mary inspires me, and from her I have learned the importance of teaching my children who they are and what they are to become.
Another woman from the scriptures that I admire is Eve. I think about her bearing children without a mother or another woman there to help her. How lonely and hard it must have been to not have had another woman to talk things over with and to learn from. She had no precedence-no guide books to baby care, no how-to-survive a teenager manual and no one to guide her on parenting. It really was a learn-as-you-go situation. It was just Adam and Eve working as a team and trying to figure it out together. From Eve I learn that I can keep on mothering even when I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, and trying to figure it out. I also learn the importance of working as a full partnership with my husband.
There are other things I have learned from these two women, as well as other women in the scriptures. I don’t think either of these two women were perfect, even though they were both really good women. Since there is no such thing as a perfect mother, they obviously weren’t that either. From Mary, Eve and also the many good women in my life, I have learned is that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good mother. There are many ways to be a good mom and I bet you’re doing better than you think.
When my husband and I were newly married we often had tomato soup and tuna sandwiches for lunch after church on Sundays. The only problem was I liked my tuna with mayonnaise and tomato soup made with milk. My husband liked his tuna with miracle whip and his tomato soup made with water. I couldn’t believe he liked it that way! After a light teasing about who had better taste and who was right, we came up with a solution to the dilemma. Whoever made lunch would get out two pans and divide the soup and put half into each pan, and to one add milk and to the other add water. The same happened with the tuna. It would be divided into two bowls and to one was added mayonnaise and the other miracle whip. Even though this was extra work it went on for several months and solved the problem of accommodating completely opposite tastes. One Sunday after church my husband was making our usual lunch of tuna and soup and I noticed he only had one pan out and one bowl in which to make them, and he was making them the way I liked them. I asked why and he responded it was just too much energy to divided everything, and being the kind person he is, he did it the way I like it. We have done it that way since then, almost 34 years. Yet, if he hadn’t simplified it, I would have kept it up because it’s so easy to get upset at stupid things and to let little things become big things. Little, unimportant things like tomato soup and tuna sandwiches get blown up out of proportion and cause unkind feelings between people. I once read a letter someone submitted to an advice columnist. It seems that the wife liked to keep her peanut butter in the cabinet and her ketchup in the refrigerator and the husband liked to keep his peanut butter in the refrigerator and his ketchup in the cabinet. They had been fighting about the right way to store them and they were asking the columnist to solve the problem. The answer? Keep ketchup and peanut butter in both places, the cabinet and the refrigerator. So simple, and if I had been the one to write the letter asking for help I would have wondered why I hadn’t thought of that obvious solution. Maybe I would also have wondered why I had spent so much energy and unkind thoughts on something so insignificant. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in who’s right or the emotions of the situation that we don’t get to the problem solving stage. Most problems have solutions and if we take a few minutes to think about it we realize that usually it’s just a matter of taste or even habit, not what’s morally right. Realizing this allows us to think of solutions to problems that confront us and then everyone wins. Relationships take a lot of effort, energy and compromise but when both people are happy, life is good. I have found the when I take the time to focus on solutions to the problems that confront my husband and myself that we’re both happier.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/what-are-you-thinking?lang=eng
I have always worked hard to give good talks. Even when I was a teenager I tried to give talks worth listening to. People would tell me “when we see your name on the program we know it’s going to be a good meeting.” Now, I know these people meant this as a compliment but what it really did was put pressure on me to give a perfect talk. Each talk I gave had to be better than the previous one because I didn’t want to let anyone down. So, I usually spent many hours researching the topic, memorized my talks and worked on the delivery. It got so bad that I developed anxiety about speaking, thinking my talk had to be perfect. I was sure people were listening to every word to judge me, deciding if I was competent or not. When I was in college while I was speaking in a church meeting the pressure to perform became so great that I fainted in the middle of the talk-right there on the stand, flat-out fainted. I got back up to finish the talk but started getting light-headed again so the bishop told me to not worry about finishing it. Fortunately I wasn’t asked to speak again in that ward! But a few years later while I was speaking in another ward the same thing happened. Because I had memorized the talk I kept on talking while getting light-headed hoping it would pass but all that passed was me-right there on the stand again. This time I got up and made a joke about fainting and was able to continue with the talk. After fainting twice while giving talks I really became anxious about speaking in pubic and this carried over to teaching lessons and even saying prayers in Sacrament Meeting. I was so worried about doing these things perfectly but ironically when others gave talks if they didn’t word everything perfectly I didn’t think they were incompetent or lazy or foolish. Usually I just enjoyed their talks and never thought they had to be perfect. And so I prayed and hoped I wouldn’t be asked to give a talk or prayer.
Several years later I was asked to give the opening prayer in Sacrament Meeting and I was petrified-I didn’t want to mess up or faint. As I stood at the pulpit and looked out at the audience the thought came to me “these people are all your friends and they would never wish you any harm” and then a complete peace settled on me. I have no idea what I said in that prayer but I believe that because I was willing to do the prayer even though I was terrified, the Lord blessed me with this wonderful, peaceful experience. This experience was life changing for me and just like the anxiety carried over from talks to lessons and prayers, this experience also carried over to those other areas. The peace I felt was amazing, so much so that now when I speak in a meeting I feel the peaceful reassurance that these people are my friends and wishing the best for me. I still work really hard to give good talks or lessons but now I am no longer worried about having to be perfect at it, in fact there’s been a couple of times I have actually enjoyed speaking.
Little kids and church are rough. Kids want to play and not sit still and parents want to listen to the speakers and often these things don’t mix, which can be very frustrating for everyone. Over time I found a few things that were helpful to make Sundays in church a little more pleasant. One of the things was to have a bag of quiet, small toys that they could only play with at church. By not allowing them to play with the church toys any other time it kept their interest in the toy, it wasn’t the same thing they got to play with every day. I also had a bag of Sunday toys that I would rotate every few weeks so they wouldn’t get bored with the same toys to play with every Sunday. I also found the Friend magazines had fun stories or activities to do for some of my kids who were a little older, and since a new one came every month it was easy to rotate them. At one point my kids were fighting over the crayons to use with the Friend so we went to just pencils for a while. When I let them have crayons again they did much better but if it ever became an issue I gathered up the crayons and brought out the pencils, which weren’t nearly as much fun. If my kids acted out I would take them out to the foyer but they had to sit on my lap. I didn’t allow them to run around. I would remind them of this while we were still siting on the bench by telling them they could sit on the bench and look at the Friend or play with the toys, or they could sit in the foyer on my lap without any freedom or things to do. Usually they chose freedom on the bench to having to sit on my lap in the foyer. Of course sometimes they were so worked up that I had to take them out but I kept them on my lap until they calmed down and then gave them the choice to continue to sit there or go back to freedom on the bench. Most of the time they chose to go back into the meeting. These simple things usually worked but sometimes nothing worked and I wondered why I even went to church some Sundays just to be out in the halls or foyer. As my kids got older I realized that it was just a short time in their lives that this occurred and that establishing the pattern of going to church, partaking of the Sacrament and showing reverence or love for our Heavenly Father far out weighed the hassles and problems of younger kids in church. It showed my kids that despite the frustrations that church was the place to be on Sundays.
https://www.lds.org/friend/1989/11/cookie-sunday?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/08/mormon-journal/our-familys-reverence-lesson?lang=eng
When I was 17 I went with my mother to another state to visit a woman who was my mother’s best friend when they were teenagers. They did everything together, as best friends do, and they both married very young, at age 16. My mother eventually moved to another state with her husband and one day missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints knocked on her door and she immediately was interested in the Church. She was baptized and set about trying to become a better person through applying the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ in her life. On this trip, when I met this woman I was immediately struck by how coarse and crude she was. She was probably the most vulgar woman I had ever met, and it seemed to me that she even cackled when she laughed. In that instant, even at age 17, I had a clear understanding of how the gospel helps to refine a person. I could clearly see the difference between my mother and this woman who was once her best friend, and I could see how if my mother had stayed on the same path as her friend that she would have been similar to how her friend was now. In essence, I could see how my mother’s life and thus mine would have been without the refining power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel of Christ, when we let it, helps us to be better and do better. It teaches us that as disciples of Jesus Christ we are to become like Him in every thought, word and deed. Sometimes this is overwhelming to think about especially if I look at all of the things I’m not doing right yet and how long it will be before I’m even close to becoming Christ-like. Yet the thought that I focus on mostly is not the end result but the journey from good to better. As I try to become more Christ-like my attitudes and desires change and I take joy in simpler things and in my journey there is more happiness along the way and in my life. As I see progress in my life it gives me hope that I can do it and I am strengthened to accomplish very hard things. As I am battling sins and bad habits in my life that I have been battling for years, I have decided that even if I don’t completely master in them in this life that I will die still trying because giving up is not an option. I want to live with my Heavenly Father and family again.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/10/be-ye-therefore-perfect-eventually?lang=eng
Sunday mornings at our house were always hectic and chaotic while trying to get everyone ready for church. My husband usually had church responsibilities that took him away from home Sunday mornings and it always seemed I had a new baby or was pregnant a good many of those crazy years, which meant I was extra tired! Somehow we always had the 9:00 church schedule when I had a new baby which added to the difficulty of getting there on time and since my babies always nursed every two hours I had to feed a baby twice before actually getting out of the door. It was stressful but I found a few things that helped Sunday mornings to go a little smoother. Most of the time I got up earlier than my children and got myself ready in the quiet of the morning, and that left me free to help my children after I got them up. I usually made a simple breakfast which helped entice my non-morning children to get up, and I didn’t worry about cleaning up until after we got home from church. After church I confiscated socks and shoes and put them away so they would be easy to find the following week, which actually worked most of the time. Any older child that was ready was assigned to brush the hair of a younger brother or sister and help get his or her shoes and socks on them. I read once that it sometimes helped to have your children pick out their clothes the night before and I tried this and found my kids changed their minds by morning, so it didn’t work so great for me. The biggest thing I did to help everyone be ready on time was to set my ready-by time one half hour before church began. So if church began at 9:00 I tried to be ready by 8:30 which then gave me time to look for lost shoes, missing ties and deal with any problems that came up. One time one of my daughters had a talk to give and had gone outside after she was ready for church and had taken her talk with her. She set it down outside somewhere on our 4 acres and couldn’t remember where she had put it. That half hour even gave me time to deal with that as we frantically looked for, found her talk and got to church on time. I think one of the reasons I tried so hard to be on time was that I was aware we were a large group and caused a commotion when we entered late, which detracted from the reverence of the meeting. I also felt quite of bit of stress to be on time and if we were running late I found myself yelling at everyone to hurry up which is ironic to go to church yelling at your kids. It doesn’t do much to create feelings of reverence and love to enter the building having been yelled at. Most of all, I really liked having about 10 minutes to enjoy the music and shift my thinking from chaos to reverence and focusing on the sacrament. It didn’t always work and sometimes no matter what I did there were bad mornings where nothing seemed to go right. But the sweet thing was that most of the time it did work.
I have a 16-year-old daughter with Down Syndrome. She is an amazing person who was born with faith and when I tell her something, she believes me. She loves going to church and participating in Sunday School and Young Women’s classes, and she takes seminary classes through her high school. She always reminds me to do family scriptures and prayer and I know she reads her scriptures on her own and says her prayers each night, and she always remembers to ask for a blessing on her food- even in a restaurant. Sometimes after she gets home from school when she’s had seminary or after a Sunday School class I will ask her what the lesson was about or something that she learned. Her reply is always said with a little frustration “I don’t know.” I can ask her several questions to try to prompt her memory but she genuinely doesn’t know what was talked about. In some ways it’s even more remarkable that she persists in doing these righteous behaviors since she doesn’t remember what she’s taught or read. I have thought about her diligence in attending these classes and doing her own personal reading and remember the scripture in the Bible from John 14:26 which says in part “…the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance…” The knowledge is in there and some day, because of her diligence, she will have all things brought to her remembrance through the Holy Ghost.
Many years ago, when my children were young, my family and I sat in a church meeting that had a “families can be together forever” theme. During that meeting my children were rude and mean to each other, obnoxious and just down right ill reverent. By the end of the meeting I was worn out and turn to my husband and said “families can be together forever, is that a promise or a threat?” That day it felt more like threat. People used to tell me that my children wouldn’t be young forever and that the years would fly by and to just enjoy them while they were young, and I thought “they are wrong, I will always have young kids!” It was exhausting because all I did from the time I got up until I fell into bed at night was kids, kids and kids. But you know what, those people were right! The years have flown by and those same fighting, obnoxious kids are now each others best friends and I’m not sure when or how that happened. Now when we gather there is laughter, and fun and just enjoying each other, and even occasionally there are still squabbles (we’re still far from perfect). So were all of the sleepless nights, sheer exhaustion and refereeing worth it? I would do it all again only this time with a clearer vision of the future and I would worry less and enjoy the small moments more, because after all, families can be together forever, and that’s a promise.