this is a page for

Browsing Tag: children

Children,Family,Friendship,Life

Happy Birthday Dear Daughter

posted on : January 11, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 10 Comments

When my oldest daughter was a toddler she was a hand full at church. To help keep her quiet and entertained, my husband would take his silk handkerchief that matched his tie (an 80’s thing) and roll and fold it in such a way that it looked like a canoe with “babies” in it. He would rock it between his hands and she would sit quietly and play with it. One time at church he forgot to wear his handkerchief and as we were listening to the speaker my daughter started looking through his pockets, moving his tie around and getting in his face. Since she was being quiet we didn’t think too much about it until she loudly shouted, “Where’s that little thing you use to make babies with daddy.” That quickly got our attention, especially as the people in the pews around us started laughing. We immediately put our heads down in deep embarrassment and explained that daddy forgot to bring it. Of course we laugh about it now! When she was a little older, she and her sister opened a 20 lb bag of flour and had a “snow” fight. When I found them, all I could see were two white faces with big eyes looking at me. That was a huge mess to clean up! Another time she and this same sister blocked off the bottom of the door of the bathroom with towels and filled the floor full of water to make an indoor slip and slide. I was downstairs doing laundry when I saw water pouring down from the ceiling. I ran up stairs and found 2 girls having great fun. I was amazed at their creativity but not amused with the damaged ceiling. One time I found my electric skillet in her bath tub with dried up food in it. It turns out that she and her partner in crime (this same sister) would take my electric skillet into their bedroom and cook things when they were supposed to be asleep. All of these things were basically harmless but they kept me really busy because what one daughter didn’t think to do the other one did. Of course there were a few things that weren’t so harmless like when she let her 14 year sister take her car and drive around with some friends. We were really lucky no one was hurt with that escapade. The years have passed and now this same daughter just celebrated her 33rd birthday. She has grown into a compassionate, thoughtful person who champions the underdog (humans and animals alike!). She has this knack for reaching out to others and becoming friends with them, and still keeps in contact with high school friends. When she is your friend you will have a friend for life. She will always have your back and she tries harder than anyone else I know to improve herself. She cares about her family and reaches out to build relationships. She is an amazing person who brightens our lives. In spite of all of her antics, I am glad she’s my daughter. Happy Birthday!

Husband,Lessons Learned

A Good Man

posted on : August 20, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

There’s only one time I ever semi-seriously thought about divorce from my husband.  We had been married for about 10 years and had 5 children.  My husband travels for his business several days a week and at this time it was often just me and 5 very active children, and breaks away seldom happened.   It was hard to get sitters for my kids because they were so active and they usually wore a baby sitter out.  One time I overheard a group of girls from my church talking about babysitting and heard one of them say about our family “they pay great but it isn’t worth it.” So in hope of time away I had signed up for a craft class on a Saturday afternoon which would provide a much-needed respite for me, and I was really looking forward to it.  My husband had some work to do at his office and promised to be home in time for me to get to my class.  I got ready to go and got all of my supplies packed and I was really looking forward to the project I was going to do.  The time came and went when he was supposed to be home.  I tried calling him but he didn’t answer the phone.  It was too late to try to find a willing and brave sitter.  The class started and he still didn’t come home.  I was so upset that he hadn’t come home and I had missed the class.  When he finally got home I asked him what had happened.  He had more work to do than he thought and had decided to finish it.  That was it.  Nothing urgent, or serious or even necessary.  He just stayed to finish his work which he could have done on Monday.  I was so hurt and mad, and I remember later driving down a road crying and wondering if I could stay married to him.  As I thought about it I figured out the real issue-could I stay  married to a man who didn’t value what I wanted to do just as much as what he wanted to do, who didn’t think that what I wanted was just as important as what he wanted. Later, when I had calmed down, I told him that at some point he had decided that what he was doing was more important than what I wanted to do or he would have kept his promise and been home on time.  He didn’t get it. Over the next few days I kept trying in different ways to calmly explain it to him and he still wasn’t getting it.  I remember riding with him in a car one day and trying again to tell him that at some point he decided that what he was doing was more important than what I wanted to do or he would have stopped working and been home on time.  Suddenly the light went on in his eyes and he got it.  He finally understood what I was saying.  He apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again, and you know what?  He has diligently tried to keep that promise.  Maybe I kept trying to get him to understand because I knew he was a good man.  Since then he has been conscious of my time and has really made an effort to be aware of my interests and if I wanted to do something he has done what he can to make sure I could do it.  For me, staying calm, thinking about what the issue really was and then persistently addressing it was key. Of course it helps that he’s a good man.

Children,Lessons Learned

It’s Not About The Socks Or Blanket

posted on : August 13, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

When one of my children was 3 years old she struggled with having her socks just the right way on her feet.  Not only did she want to wear a certain kind of socks (just the right thickness and feel), the line across her toes had to be perfectly straight and if it wasn’t for some reason she couldn’t cope and she would have a major melt down. When we got the line straight it had to stay straight while going into her shoe and had to be straight across her foot while in her shoe.  If the sock pulled in any way she would rip the shoe off, scream and straighten the sock. Sometimes she would take the shoe off just to see if the sock line was still straight.  It was a major ordeal every time I helped her get dressed.  I might have handled it better but every time we did errands she would take her shoes off in the car and before we went into a store we would have to go through this ordeal again, and again before the next store.  I couldn’t convince her to keep her shoes on no matter what I tried and I dreaded having to do errands with her, especially because I had other things to do and other children to help.  This same daughter also had to have her blanket on her bed perfectly straight while she slept. When she woke up during the night if the blanket was not straight and smooth she would very loudly scream and since we lived in a duplex, letting her scream several times a night, every night was not an option.  I was exhausted from the constant battle between shoes and blankets and didn’t know what to do about it.  Comforting her, yelling at her, scolding her and anything else I could think of in my very tired brain during the many trips to her room each night was not effective. She still woke up screaming if her blanket was not perfectly straight.  One day, after many months of this, I switched from mom brain to therapist brain, and in thinking about it I realized that for some reason she needed her world to be orderly to cope with her life.  So I gave her a new coping mechanism.  I told her that when she woke up in the middle of the night that if her blanket was not straight to tell herself “it’s okay, mommy will straighten it for me in the morning.” I also remembered that positive reinforcement worked better than negative reinforcement, so we made a star chart together and I told her that if she slept through the night without waking up and screaming about her blanket she could put a star on her chart in the morning. The night came and went and no screaming! I went into her room in the morning to check on her and the first thing she told me was she had awakened during the night, saw her blanket messed up and told herself that it was okay and that I would straighten it in the morning, which I gladly did and then she very proudly put a star on her chart. She soon learned to straighten the blanket by herself and thankfully she eventually outgrew the sock and blanket behaviors.  I learned that life can be hard for children too and giving them the skills they need to successfully cope is important. I also learned to look beyond the behavior to understand the cause better and to think of solutions and not about my anger or ineptness as a parent.

https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/mental-health-matters/social-and-emotional-learning/emotional-development/coping-skills-managing

https://www.kidsmatter.edu.au/families/starting-school/5-coping-skills-children

Lessons Learned,Life

How Do I Know God Loves Me?

posted on : July 26, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Recently on a very hot day I had a conversation with one of my daughters in which I said “I know God loves me because of air conditioning.”  Mostly I was trying to be funny, but it got me thinking about the ways that I truly do know that God loves me.  I remember a time a few years ago when I had spent days working in my front flower garden.  It took me many hours to trim, weed, clean out the old and plant new flowers.  When I was finished I stepped back and looked at the amazing display of colors, varieties and textures as well as sizes and shapes.  I felt complete satisfaction and joy at looking at the result of my hard work and in that moment I felt my Heavenly Father’s love for me.  I realized that He didn’t have to make so many varieties of flowers and colors with different shapes and textures but that He made, through His Son Jesus Christ, a beautiful world to please His children and to give them an amazing place to live.  When I looked at those flowers I felt His love, and there are many other ways I also feel His love.  Even though I have an average sort of singing voice, whenever I sing church hymns I also feel it. There’s something about the words and the music that combine to touch me deeply and I recognize that sacred music not only allows me to feel the Spirit but also communicates His love for me.  Sometimes this is a hard concept to not only understand but to feel.  I once had a conversation with someone where we were talking about charity and how it is the pure love of Christ.  We talked about the Relief Society motto “Charity never Faileth” and he expressed the thought that sometimes charity does fail because people aren’t perfect and sometimes let him down. I explained to him that it is God’s love that never fails, not people’s love.  People make mistakes and aren’t even close to perfect but God’s love for us is perfect and it never ends.  I could see from his face that it was a new concept to him.  It doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do, He loves each of us personally and individually.  God shows His love to each of His children in different ways and if we will look for it we will see how He tells each of us individually and personally that He loves us.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/young-adults/i-feel-gods-love-when?lang=eng

Family,Lessons Learned

Subtle Learning

posted on : June 7, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I have learned that there are many things that are taught in a family that both the parents and the children are unaware of that are being taught.  I grew up in Southern California away from extended family.  My mother had a brother, who lived with us, and a mother who we often didn’t know where she was and my mother didn’t know her father.  There was very little contact with extended family, no phone calls, no visits-they generally were not part of our lives.  The interesting thing is that my brothers and sister and I do not maintain contact with each other.  We love each other and when we’re together we have a great time but somehow it never occurs to us to call each other just to chat or to keep in touch or to invite someone over for dinner. My husband just shakes his head at me because he can’t comprehend not maintaining contact with loved ones.  He has weekly phone calls with his brothers and sisters and when his parents were alive he called them almost daily “just to check in.”  Fortunately, our children had their father’s example of staying in touch with his extended family, because they call and visit with each other daily.  It took me a long time to figure out why it never occurs to me to call my family, and it’s not that I don’t think about them and it’s not that I don’t love them.  It just never enters my thinking to call when I have news of something good or bad.  And since I rarely hear from my brothers or sister I am assuming that it doesn’t occur to them either.  It takes an event, like a wedding or a birthday or holiday for us to connect, just like it did when I was growing up, and I remember going to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving once.  And when we’re together it’s great and I love them and we always say we need to get together more and we mean it but then we go home to our subtle learning and don’t call each other.  Recognition is one of the first steps to change and maybe it’s time for me to change.

Children,Parenting

Mother’s Day

posted on : May 10, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I always have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day and in most ways I used to dread it.  This is what I wrote in my journal in 2003: “Today is Mother’s Day.  I hate Mother’s Day.  I hear the talks in church and realize all the things I am not doing, that I will never be and never do and not only do I feel guilty, I feel depressed and sad that my children don’t have the mother they deserve.  Today the talks in church were different though. The speakers were assigned to talk about a principle of the gospel they learned from their mothers.  I liked this and for once I didn’t come home from church feeling like a failure…As I sat there thinking (about what the speakers were saying, I thought) about what I learned from my mother, I thought of the principle of tithing.”  I have previously written about how my mom paid tithing on the very little money that she earned and attributed that to our family making it until she graduated from nursing school and got a job.  Because of her firm testimony of tithing I have always paid my tithing, even when I was a very poor college student and I have seen many blessings, not always material, from paying tithing.  I also wrote what I learned from my mother-in-law: “I know that she has a firm belief in the power of prayer.  Many times when she has had problems she has told me that she would immediately fall to her knees and pray.  She has felt a real strength from praying in her life and I believe that has carried over to her children who have such a firm commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.”  Her unflagging devotion to the gospel and prayer have taught me much about praying and I have learned from her to always turn to my Heavenly Father in times of great need and in times of little need.  Some things I hope my children have learned from me include that the gospel is the way to happiness, that love is the key to solving most problems, to be honest with yourself and with others, and to work hard and do your best in whatever you do. Even though I’m not perfect in living these attributes I know them to be important and have gotten better at living them over the years. In spite of my many shortcomings and weaknesses my children are fine adults doing much good in the world.  Whenever I feel badly about not being a better mother I remember a conversation I had with one of my daughters where I apologized for yelling too much and not being patient enough.  She said “mom, I don’t remember you yelling.  I remember you singing and dancing with us in the family room.”  I tear up when I think of this conversation because   maybe I did better than I think, and maybe Mother’s Day is not something I need to dread.

Children,Church,Lessons Learned

Sunday Mornings

posted on : April 19, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

Sunday mornings at our house were always hectic and chaotic while trying to get everyone ready for church.  My husband usually had church responsibilities that took him away from home Sunday mornings and it always seemed I had a new baby or was pregnant a good many of those crazy years, which meant I was extra tired!  Somehow we always had the 9:00 church schedule when I had a new baby which added to the difficulty of getting there on time and since my babies always nursed every two hours I had to feed a baby twice before actually getting out of the door.  It was stressful but I found a few things that helped Sunday mornings to go a little smoother.  Most of the time I got up earlier than my children and got myself ready in the quiet of the morning, and that left me free to  help my children after I got them up.  I usually made a simple breakfast which helped entice my non-morning children to get up, and I didn’t worry about cleaning up until after we got home from church.  After church I confiscated socks and shoes and put them away so they would be easy to find the following week, which actually worked most of the time.  Any older child that was ready was assigned to brush the hair of a younger brother or sister and help get his or her shoes and socks on them.  I read once that it sometimes helped to have your children pick out their clothes the night before and I tried this and found my kids changed their minds by morning, so it didn’t work so great for me.  The biggest thing I did to help everyone be ready on time was to set my ready-by time one half hour before church began.  So if church began at 9:00 I tried to be ready by 8:30 which then gave me time to look for lost shoes, missing ties and deal with any problems that came up.  One time one of my daughters had a talk to give and had gone outside after she was ready for church and had taken her talk with her.  She set it down outside somewhere on our 4 acres and couldn’t remember where she had put it.  That half hour even gave me time to deal with that as we frantically looked for, found her talk and got to church on time.  I think one of the reasons I tried so hard to be on time was that I was aware we were a large group and caused a commotion when we entered late, which detracted from the reverence of the meeting.  I also felt quite of bit of stress to be on time and if we were running late I found myself yelling at everyone to hurry up which is ironic to go to church yelling at your kids. It doesn’t do much to create feelings of reverence and love to enter the building having been yelled at.  Most of all, I really liked having about 10 minutes to enjoy the music and shift my thinking from chaos to reverence and focusing on the sacrament.  It didn’t always work and sometimes no matter what I did there were bad mornings where nothing seemed to go right.  But the sweet thing was that most of the time it did work.

Uncategorized

A No Thank You Bite

posted on : April 16, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

At dinnertime, when my older children were younger, any food that looked out of the ordinary or different would immediately provoke a comment such as “I don’t like that” or “can I have cereal instead?”  Of course we would always respond “you’ve never even tried it so how do you know you don’t like it” and then a battle would happen with frustrated parents and crying kids.  Since I like to cook and often tried new recipes this was an ongoing occurrence.  One day we got smart and  introduced the “no thank you bite.”  If someone didn’t want to try something new, or even some of the suspicious looking foods I fixed that weren’t new, they would have to take a “no thank you bite.”  One bite and then if they didn’t like it, they didn’t have to eat it-no snide comments or probing questions asked. At first it was kind of a battle to get them to go along with it but as they tried things and said they didn’t like them, we just thanked them for trying the item and let the matter drop.  The process became much easier, and the battles and coaxing stopped and we found that about 90% of the time they ended up liking the new food they tried.  This became reinforcing, so it was no longer difficult to get them to try something new and of course as other kids came along this system was already in place and followed their siblings example.  My kids became adventurous eaters even trying new and different things in restaurants, sometimes trying things that looked even suspicious to me!  I knew we had been successful with this when one day a friend of mine observed “your kids will eat anything!”

Faith,Lessons Learned

Obedience

posted on : April 10, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I remember a time when I was young sitting in my family’s car with my brother and poking him with my finger just to annoy him.  I was probably about 10 and he was about 8 years old.  Of course my brother complained to my mother, who was driving our car, and she told me to quit poking him with my finger.  So I started poking him with my elbow and of course he complained again and of course she told me to quit poking him with my elbow.  Then I went to pinching him, and then to hitting him with my leg and anything else I could think of to be annoying while still being “obedient.”  I was having a lot of fun playing the game of being obedient but not really obedient, because I was doing what my mom said while still trying to get around it.  Since then I have learned the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law and doing something to be obedient and doing something because I love God.  Too often even now I do things because they are right to do, not because I love God and want to serve Him and show my love through obedience. And although it’s better to be obedient and do something that is right than to not do it, it’s even better to do something because of my love for my Savior.  I recognize that obedience as well as other gospel principles and doctrines really require giving my heart to God for me to get the most out of them and so really  serving God with my heart and being obedient out of love benefits me the most.

Family,Lessons Learned

A Magic Wand

posted on : March 15, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

If I could wave a magic wand and undo some things, one of the things I would undo would be how I handled the dishes after dinner when my kids were teenagers.  In my mind my kids were busy with homework and other equally important activities so after dinner I would usually clean off the table and do the dishes.  They had their after school jobs already done and I thought I was facilitating getting homework done. In reality I was teaching them to be oblivious to cleaning up after dinner. Even as adults, after family dinners they would leave the kitchen and gather in the family room to visit and play games. I would start cleaning up already tired from food prep and cooking for a large group while hearing laughter and talking and fun going on.  If I asked for help someone would gladly come in and do one thing and then go back to the group. At first I was upset by this but since these kids of mine are usually kind and helpful people, I thought about it and decided that it didn’t even occur to anyone to help clean up, and it was because I had trained them to be oblivious.  After discussing the situation, everyone has been much better at helping clean up, with bringing food and working together, and now there’s laughter and talking and fun going on while we’re cleaning up from dinner. Hmmm, maybe I do have a magic wand after all!