Husband

Marriage

posted on : December 21, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 3 Comments

I recently had a conversation with one of my sons-in-law.  He was telling me that he wished my daughter, his wife, was a little more conscious of household duties like doing the dishes and laundry.  He works full-time and she’s a stay-at-home mom with two kids.  She’d rather make great meals (she loves to cook), read and play with the kids (they don’t have TV), sew fun things and volunteer at her son’s school.  She agrees with him that she should be a little more aware of household duties and recognizes that households run smoother when orderly.  This was a great opportunity for me to talk about the concept that no matter who you’re married to there will be things you don’t like about them and you can focus on those things or rejoice in the things they do well.  For example, my husband is man of many talents and great virtues but he is very messy in his work areas and our bedroom, and he’s usually not really present when I’m talking to him but he is honest, kind and thoughtful. I never have to wonder if he’s telling me the truth or not.  He calls me during the day just to say hi and I know he loves to spend time with me. I know he would give me his last bite of food if we were in a dreadful situation and he would go without eating.  He’s loyal through and through. He fixes things in the house quickly and if I want to change something like flooring or paint he usually cheerfully does it.  He actually makes goals to improve himself and works on them and I love and adore this man.  I can focus on the wonderful things about him or I can get upset that his socks are on the floor again.  In some ways, when I focus on the socks on the floor it’s like saying I expect him to be perfect, that I’m not allowing him to be human.  Yes, he probably should pick up his own socks and put them in the hamper but I recognize that all of the good about him far out weighs the bad and when I focus on the bad neither of us is happy in our marriage (unfortunately I know this from experience).  The amazing thing is I never hear him complain about me, and there is plenty to complain about. He doesn’t tell me what I do wrong or what I need to change about myself.  He loves me as I am, which is paradoxical in some ways because since he never criticizes me or points out things that I do that are not great, it makes me want to improve myself and to be even better than the person he thinks I am.

Parenting

All Singing the Same Song

posted on : December 9, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

One Monday evening, when we were doing Family Home Evening, we were singing “I am a Child of God.” My eight children and my husband and myself were singing but each one was singing in a different key, different pace and different style.  Some finished before others singing with great volume and flair while others were singing softly at their own pace, and some were actually singing the song the way it was written to be sung.  It created a great, amazing cacophony.  As I looked around and listened to the sound it occurred to me that this was a perfect analogy for my family.  We were all singing the same song-our family goals are basically the same, but each one is singing the song in his or her own way adding to our very imperfect choir, his or her sound. Each voice is valued and important to the choir just like they are to our family.  We love each one of our children and his or her unique personality and value the contribution they make to our family, even if sometimes one of us is singing off key!

Family

My Daughter-in-law

posted on : December 5, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

Recently I had the opportunity to witness the birth of my newest granddaughter, something that I find absolutely amazing and inspiring!  Last year when my daughter let me be there when her daughter was born I found the event to be incredibly touching, beautiful and spiritual.  I had always been at the other end of the baby business and even though I have 8 children, had never seen one born.  It was so amazing that I wondered how I could convince my other children to let me be present at future births.  When my son and his wife announced they were expecting, I asked my son to ask his wife (she wasn’t feeling good so she wasn’t present) to just consider the possibility of letting me be there.  Since she’s a very private and reserved person, I wanted to give her time to think about it.  He went home and called me back in a few minutes and said she would love to have me there.  I couldn’t believe she didn’t even need time to think about it because if my mother-in-law, even though she is a great person, had asked me that I certainly would have wanted to think about it. Our newest addition to our family is now 2 weeks old and she’s beautiful.  Her parents sit and just watch her breathe. They are in awe of her and already their lives and priorities have changed because of their willingness to serve her with unconditional love.  So to my daughter-in-law I say thank you!  Thank you for putting aside your privacy and allowing me to graciously share this moment with you.  Thank you for becoming an important part of our family, one who we love.  Thank you for loving my son, thank you for being you.

Life

My Mother-in-law

posted on : November 28, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman.  She was widowed almost 19 years ago and came to live with us over eleven years ago after she had a series of strokes that left her deaf in one ear, diminished hearing in her other ear and with short term memory problems.  She has lived a life of service and hard work for her family, church, community and neighbors and is a woman of virtue and integrity.  Since she is a woman who has no problem speaking her mind, I was worried when she first came to live with us that she would bluntly tell me what I was doing wrong but that hasn’t happened and she has kept her criticism to herself, and instead has expressed her gratitude for us.  When she would come into the dining room for dinner she always took her hearing aid out because we are a noisy group, but no criticism.  If she ever saw me doing something she felt could have been done better a different way, I never heard about it.  She fell almost 4 years ago when walking about in her room and has been bed ridden since. She’s 97 and has wondered out loud “what’s it going to take to kill me?” and she has also wondered what good she is possibly doing in the world while being in bed.  This is the closest she comes to complaining and usually ends with “well, it doesn’t do any good to complain so I might as well not worry about it.”  Her attitude is amazing considering that she’s had to endure a lot of physical pain that comes with a failing body and the personal indignities of being bed bound.  It’s obvious that she wants to die and because she has a firm faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ she knows she’ll be with her husband and family again in the next world.  But, in spite of her wanting to die, not renewing her pace maker battery 4 years ago and having congestive heart failure, she lives on.  She wonders what good she is doing in the world where as I can see the good.  Through the years whenever my children needed someone to talk to there was always grandma with a listening ear.  Many times I would walk by her room and see one of my daughters lying on her bed talking with her and that daughter always left knowing grandma had confidence in her and that she loved her.  She taught my girls how to mend, crochet hats and told them stories of their ancestors.  She helped my daughter with Down Syndrome learn how to read.  I had made flash cards with words on them and she spent hours going over the words and listening to her read from books, always with a positive word for my daughter’s efforts.  This daughter is a great reader thanks in a large part to grandma.  She watched Disney movies over and over because that’s what my youngest daughter wanted to do.  Even though her presence in our home has been nothing but positive, she’s not perfect and that’s given us opportunity to talk about how even a really good person still has things to work on in her life and we keep trying to be better no matter how old we are. This has also given our family opportunity to talk about being tolerant and understanding with others weaknesses. She’s taught my children about faith, counseled them to make good choices and been their cheer leader in their endeavors. Especially in the last 4 years she’s modeled gratitude and optimism, and given us the opportunity to serve her, always with a thank you.  My children have seen us helping her and have helped her too, and have learned that family is important and that you take care of each other, even if it’s not convenient.  Because of her we are better as individuals and as a family.

Parenting

Stress in Parenting

posted on : November 17, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

You can imagine that with eight children it was often noisy and stressful at our house.  None of my children were quiet, laid back people and they learned to talk louder than the other person in the family talking in hopes that they would be heard above the crowd. Often when I would be dealing with one child I would have 2-4 other children trying to talk to me at the same time.  I did try to explain many times to them the concept of waiting for their turn to talk to me, of how it actually took longer to help their brother of sister because they were talking to me too and so they ended up waiting longer, and just the politeness not talking to others until they were finished with what they were doing.  That being said, my children always thought that what they needed or wanted to talk to me about was more important than what their brother or sister could possibly have wanted to talk about (gratefully they have grown out of that illusion).  Even though it got better when they became adults, we’re still a noisy group.  Often it was very stressful in trying to handle the needs of so many people and some serious problems but I learned a technique that helped me in those situations and in other hard to handle things.  I would stop and ask myself in the midst of the problem if I was doing the best I could.  If the answer was yes then somehow just stopping to take the mental check helped me to de-escalate and I was able to handle the situation much more calmly.  If the answer was no, and I always knew instantly if I was doing the best I could, then I would take a deep breath and think about what I could do differently to regroup and then go forward, and the amazing thing is this only took a few seconds to do.  Sometimes I needed to apologize and sometimes I needed to get rid of the extraneous distractions to focus better on the problem. Sometimes there was no immediate solution but I was able to handle it better because of my little stop/check technique.

Lessons Learned

Money

posted on : November 16, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

The first several years of our marriage my husband and I had very little money and had to watch our spending very carefully.  I found that when I went shopping I often saw things I liked and wanted to buy and if I bought them, and we really didn’t have the money for it, I was stressed and not happy. The solution for me was to not go to the store except when absolutely necessary and then to only buy just what I needed and get out quickly.  By staying out of stores I didn’t see all the cute things I wanted to buy for my children or home and then didn’t feel badly that I couldn’t afford them.  Peace of mind by being financially solvent and responsible far out weighed the momentary pleasure of buying something cute.

Children

Love

posted on : November 10, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

When I was pregnant with my second daughter I wondered how I could ever love another child as much as I loved my first.  After she was born I quickly found out that my ability to love increased and it wasn’t an issue.  When I was pregnant with my third child I wondered how I could ever love a boy as much as I loved my girls, and of course he was born and I found out that I was worried for nothing.  I loved him just as much as my girls.  After that I quit worrying about it and never wondered again if I had the capacity to love another child coming into our home and lives.  In thinking about it I realized that love is like a lit candle that when I light another candle the first candle is not diminished at all in it’s flame and ability to give light, and the second candle’s flame is just as strong.  No matter how many candles I light the original and subsequent flames are not diminished and together the candles create even more light.

Life

Gratitude

posted on : October 15, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

Many years ago I read a sign that said “Lord, let me be thankful for dishes to wash because it means I had food to eat.” That little saying impacted me greatly and I have thought about it quite a bit over the years and have decided that sometimes it is so easy to complain while missing the big picture.  I have good food to eat and clean water to drink, while I know that many in the world are unable to say that. Even though I had a ton of laundry to do with 8 kids, it means we had clothes to wear and washing machines to do the laundry in.  Once when I was helping to make quilts for a humanitarian project we were given very specific instructions on making them with 1/2 inch batting, no thicker.  They explained that the quilts are often washed in streams or tubs of water and need to be able to dry quickly.  People still wash clothes and bedding in streams or tubs!  It’s hard to imagine that since I can throw a load of laundry in my machine in just a few minutes and come back later to clean clothes. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how good I have it.  Even in the midst of a terrible migraine I try to remember that I am somewhere safe in a comfortable bed, with a freezer that makes ice for me to use and a shower with plenty of hot water.  It doesn’t change my situation but it changes me and my attitude. Remembering that helps me to relax and to focus on the good in my life even in the midst of pain. Another sign I once saw said “There is always, always something to be grateful for.” I believe this!  A family friend told me a few years ago that on her mission for our church to Nicaragua that she had a bucket of cold water to bathe from most of the time.  I’m sure she would have loved a hot shower daily-something that I take for granted, like having a good car to drive or living in a beautiful area with good neighbors, and family who loves each other.  I want to be better at complaining a lot less and expressing gratitude more frequently.  “Lord, let me be thankful for dishes and bathrooms to clean, and laundry to do, and noisy family gatherings because it means I have so much.”

Husband

A Sugarless Marriage

posted on : September 27, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Almost 23 years ago my husband came home from work and announced that he was giving up sugar. He said that eating sugar made him shaky.  He ate a lot of sugary things because I like to cook and bake and almost always had some kind of treat around. For breakfast he would often eat two pieces of apple pie with cream poured over it.  I suggested he just cut back on it, eat less sugary things but he’s an all or nothing kind of person so he didn’t think he could just eat less, so he wanted to give it up completely.  For some reason this made me mad, so over the next few weeks I made his favorite desserts, breakfasts and treats but he didn’t budge.  He stopped eating sugary things completely (he has more self-control than any one else I have ever met). I was still kind of mad but it was a in the back-of-my-mind mad.  I gave up making desserts, cinnamon rolls for breakfast and other treats with him in mind and felt very sad about it.  Then one day it occurred to me why I was sad and mad.  I would make his favorite pie and anticipate him coming home delighted that I had made it and I enjoyed watching him eat it.  He had taken away from me one of the ways I showed love for him.  When I figured that out I decided I could find other ways to show that I loved him.  Sometimes I still wish he ate sugar because I would like to make something sweet but he’s lost weight, his blood pressure went down and he’s overall much healthier.  For me, it’s much better to have him happy and healthy.

Children,Lessons Learned

Butter, The Real Thing

posted on : September 21, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

When one of my daughters was about 12 she came home after visiting a friend and very excitedly told me about her new discovery “margarine.”  “It’s this wonderful thing you can use instead of butter” and she went on to extol the many virtues of margarine.  I listened to her (and tried not to laugh) and then explained to her that butter was the real thing and that margarine was just a substitute for butter.  I then tried to explain to her that butter tasted better and generally was better for baking and cooking.  She looked at me like I really didn’t know anything.  I have thought about this conversation over the years about how some things that others have or use seem to be better than what we have, and how we are easily fooled to believe that substitutes or new things are better than the original or old ways of doing things.  Of course, some new things are better but just because they’re new or different doesn’t mean better.