Category: Parenting

My mother and father divorced when I was about 3 and I never saw my father again except once, and even then I didn’t know who he was at the time.  I was about 13 and visiting my grandmother and as I was walking up the path to her house a man was coming out of her front door.  He passed by me without looking at me or saying anything and I barely paid attention to him.  When I entered my grandmother’s trailer she said “that was your father” and I remember thinking that if I had known that I would have paid more attention to him.  I’m not sure why he wasn’t a part of my life but my mother once said that she and my stepfather told my father that he didn’t have to pay child support if he never contacted me or my brother again, and since he didn’t contact us again he obviously thought that was a good deal.  My mother had married again to a man I called dad and he’s the only dad I remember.  While he was not the best husband or dad, I did learn from him to treat all children as equal.  He never distinguished between my brother and me and the children he had with my mother.  He and my mother divorced when I was about 10 and sometimes was involved in our lives.  My dad had married again and his new wife once apologized to us for keeping my dad from being involved in our lives.  She said she found reasons to keep him from visiting us and eventually realized that was wrong.  I say all of this as a way of stating I didn’t have good dads.  When I married a really good man I was lucky and also got a really good father-in-law.  He was a kind, tender-hearted man who called me daughter, not daughter-in-law.  He brought me produce from his garden and orchard, and after he went fishing he would call us to come for a fish dinner with fresh corn and tomatoes from his garden.  Once when I visited him in the hospital he teared up when I came into the room and told me he loved me and kept saying how glad he was that I came to visit him.  I felt like he loved me.  He was such a kind man, and I once told him he was the best dad I ever had and he couldn’t believe I said that.  He kept saying “really?, really?”  My husband remembers being quite young and his dad building a tent out of a blanket and reading Bambi to him under the blanket with a flashlight, one of his sweet memories of his father.  Family meant everything to my father-in-law!  From this good man I learned that dads can be involved in their children’s lives and what a difference it makes to welcome and love those your children marry.  I also learned that there are good, honorable fathers in the world who love their children and spend time with them.  My husband has followed in the footsteps of his father and he is a good dad who loves our children.  He has worked hard to provide them the necessities of life, and to set a good example of service, kindness, hard work, faith, generosity and love.  Our children know they can talk with their dad about anything and he won’t scold them but listen and offer good advice when asked for.  They know him to be man of integrity who would do anything he can to help them.  I have learned from him to patiently listen, to act and not react, to focus on the good our children are doing and to always take the long view and hope for the best.  In many ways I am fortunate not to have had good dads while I was growing up because I now recognize what a good dad is from the contrast.  I have told my children many times that they are fortunate to have such a good dad!  Sometimes my husband wonders about things he could have or should have done with our children.  I see the many good things he did do and his goodness as a father is reflected in the lives of our children who are good people doing good things.  Being a good dad is giving of your time, self and life to your children.  How blessed I am to know good dads and to have them in my life!