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Category: Lessons Learned

I Get It

For many years I have wondered why I haven’t been able to forget the many sins and things that I’ve done wrong in my life and have repented of.  They come back to haunt me and I feel devastated that I did those wrong things and I end up with negative self talk, thoughts and generally feeling badly about myself.  I really just want to forget that I did those wrong things.  But, as I have thought about it, I have decided that remembering them is good for at least three reasons. One, it gives me understanding and empathy for those who are struggling as they are trying to change, and even for those who are not trying to change.  I get it, and I see how easily it is to fool ourselves into wrong behavior and then continue in the wrong behavior because it seems there’s no hope now.  I get how hard it is to change and leave old behaviors behind as I struggle forward in hopes of becoming more Christ like. I understand the lure of the world and how things seem good and fun and desirable.  I get what Nephi meant when he said in 2 Nephi 4:18 “I am encompassed about, because of the many temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.” I am so very weak and so easily beset by sins and so easily stray off the path.  So even though I would like to forget the things I’ve done wrong, I am a more compassionate person because I remember.  Another reason I think it is good for me to remember the things I’ve done wrong in my life is that it helps me be less judgmental.  If I didn’t remember, it would be so easy to say about another person’s behaviors, “well, I would never do that” or “that person is an awful/bad/terrible person.”  Remembering allows me to separate the behavior from the person and to understand how easy it is to do wrong things, and helps me be less judgmental. It allows me to see another person as a human being who is weak and struggling, like me.  And finally, I also think that remembering the things I have done wrong acts as a barrier to prevent me from doing those wrongs and sins again.  I remember the pain I felt at the recognition of those sins being wrong and the struggle to overcome them through repentance. It is in the remembering of the shame and sorrow of having done those wrong things that helps to prevent me from making the same mistakes again, it helps me to get it. So even though I would love to forget the things I’ve done wrong I can see the wisdom in allowing me to remember, it allows me to get it.

Life Out Loud

Sometimes, when I would be in a public place with my children and they would see someone smoking, one of them would loudly say “mom, why is that man smoking?”  It’s hard to know what to say in these situations because you want your children to know that smoking, or any other behavior you object to, is not okay but at the same time you don’t want to embarrass the person your child is talking about. Children are great at pointing out incongruities while they are trying to figure out family and societal rules. They are trying to make sense of what they have been taught and what they are actually seeing, and that can lead to awkward situations.  After thinking about it over time I came up with a statement that worked for me.  When one of my kids would loudly point out something that went against what they had been taught I would tell them “we all have things that we need to change about ourselves and smoking (or whatever it was) is just a more obvious thing.”  Sometimes they asked a few more questions but they usually seemed to understand what I meant, that even with good rules people aren’t perfect and we all need to improve.

Younger Mom, Older Mom

When I was a younger mom with my first four children we were always busy with fun things like going to the park, zoo, aviary, and swimming in the summer several days a week.  I did crafts with them, read out loud frequently and sang and danced with them in the living room.  In the winter when it was snowy cold outside I even did picnics on the kitchen floor with them and played games with them.  I also yelled more, demanded more obedience and had ideas of how life should be and how children should act, I was kind of exacting.  I was fun but not very patient.  As we had more children and I was an older mom I tried to do fun things but it seemed that I was frequently running the older kids to music lessons or sport activities, friend’s houses, dance classes and church activities and so the fun mom sort of disappeared.  There was more laundry to do, more shoes to buy and more squabbles to settle. One day it occurred to me that I had never taken my youngest three kids to the zoo, and of course I felt guilty for not being a fun mom for them.  But, at the same time I had learned some things by then that were important and had figured out that some things weren’t so important, and I was a lot more patient.  I didn’t yell or get so upset so easily.  I also figured out that things don’t have to be perfect to be good, sometimes even great.  I was a lot more patient but not nearly as much fun.  As I have thought about it I haven’t figured out which group of kids got the better mom-the older kids with the fun mom or the younger kids with the more patient mom.  Ideally being both fun and patient would have been best and of course I wish I had been both to all of my kids. I can’t undo or change things in the past so now I go forward and be the sometimes fun but patient grandma.

Choices and Possibilities

I received two Masters Degrees, one in Social Work and the other in Marriage and Family Therapy.  After I married and started having children I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and was glad to be there with my children but in the back of my mind I always thought that some day I would go back to work, and maybe even go back to school.  Turns out I really didn’t like Social Work in a clinical setting but because I have good organizational skills and wanted to help people I thought I would be good at doing something like organizing a soup kitchen or a refugee center or something similar.  I also have other interests such as children’s literature and geology, and I spent a lot of time thinking about the skills and abilities I have along with my interests and wondered what I would do when my children were older. I thought about it over the course of several years and I never could pin it down.  I just couldn’t come to any decision and the more I thought about it the more confused I became.  There were so many choices, so many possibilities, and over time I started thinking about it more and more and it really started to bother me.  I wanted to figure it out because I hate loose ends and because I wanted to have something I was working towards, and I wanted to have my future planned out.  But I just couldn’t decide and then one day it occurred to me that this was, as the scriptures say, a stupor of thought.  I couldn’t decide because none of it was right for me. This realization was startling and created a different focus on my future.  I would never go back to work or school because for some reason that wasn’t the right path for me and maybe I would do a mission or service of some kind or something else totally different.  Once I figured all of this out I quit worrying about it because it didn’t matter anymore.  And even though I like having my future figured out I am content knowing there is a path for me.  Now, if I could just figure out what that is…

Food Storage

I’ve always known food storage was important and I started even when we didn’t have much money.  Sometimes I would just buy a few extra cans of vegetables, and I bottled fruit from my father-in-law’s garden and orchards.  It wasn’t a lot but it gave me security knowing that we had a little food put aside for emergency situations.  When I first started I bought some cheap, hard plastic shelves to store the food on and I knew I needed to write the dates on the cans but usually didn’t have a marker handy or scissors to cut the packaging to get to the cans.  By the time I could round up the materials that I needed to do the job properly, my time was gone or sometimes I got sidetracked by something else that needed to be done and the dates didn’t make it on the cans or the cans even out of the boxes for a long time.   I have learned some things about making food storage a little easier since those days.  One thing is to buy good sturdy metal shelves that can bear heavy loads.  I had stacked 25 lb bags of flour on my shelves and after several months the shelves gave way and collapsed taking out other shelves on the way down which had syrup on them. It was a gooey, terrible mess of flour and syrup that not only was difficult to clean but I also loss those food items.  I learned to pay attention to the load rating and start with a good foundation of sturdy shelving.  Another thing that made it easier was to keep a permanent marker, scissors and packing tape in my food storage room.  I could quickly write the dates on cans or boxes, and the scissors were handy for opening difficult boxes or packaging. It made it so much easier and saved my fingers and nails.  Sometimes boxes would break apart and then I could quickly tape them back together and place a whole box of soup on a shelf which helped with organization and grouping.  I also learned that loading new food to the back of the shelf was very important so that older cans of food could be used first. One time I cleaned out my food storage and found cans of pears that were older than 10 years that had started to leak.  The seams had burst and there was another gooey mess to clean and more wasted food. I also learned to inventory what we had and what we needed so I didn’t waste money on buying more of what we already had.  I would make a list of what I wanted to buy and the quantity and stick in my purse.  Then if I ever came upon a sale of can goods, paper products, laundry soap, etc., I could check my list to see if I needed those items and how much to buy.  I also learned that as we increased or decreased in family members, our needs changed so I had to do periodic assessing of amounts needed.  One thing that really helped me save money on food storage was to shop case lot sales.  There is a store in my area that has a big case lot sale once a year.  When we didn’t have much money I would put away $25 dollars a month (that amount increased as our income did) and saved it for the year. Then when the case lot sale happened I would have $300 to spend at it.  During the year I made note of how many cans of chicken noodle soup, green beans, noodles and toilet paper as well as laundry soap and cleaning supplies, etc., we used so I knew how much to buy for our family for a year. I also learned that some things don’t store well like mayonnaise so I only bought a couple bottles of that at a time, and that oil is light sensitive and to store it in the dark so I placed a small blanket over my oil bottles.  I was once taught that if oil smells rancid or old to wipe the outside and inside rim of the bottle with a paper towel and smell it again.  If it still smells bad to stick your finger in it taste it before throwing it away.  Sometime it’s the oil on the bottle that’s bad not the oil inside.  We keep our food storage in our basement where it’s cooler because heat is hard on canned food, and I’ve heard of people who didn’t have much space so they put their cans of food and other supplies under beds.  These few things have helped me do better and be better at food storage and I have slowly learned to be less wasteful and more efficient at it.  There was a time when we were really low on money so I couldn’t go to the store but we had our food storage and I was able to make bread and use our can goods as well as toilet paper and we were really thankful that we had the resources to tide us over.

Sunday Mornings

Sunday mornings at our house were always hectic and chaotic while trying to get everyone ready for church.  My husband usually had church responsibilities that took him away from home Sunday mornings and it always seemed I had a new baby or was pregnant a good many of those crazy years, which meant I was extra tired!  Somehow we always had the 9:00 church schedule when I had a new baby which added to the difficulty of getting there on time and since my babies always nursed every two hours I had to feed a baby twice before actually getting out of the door.  It was stressful but I found a few things that helped Sunday mornings to go a little smoother.  Most of the time I got up earlier than my children and got myself ready in the quiet of the morning, and that left me free to  help my children after I got them up.  I usually made a simple breakfast which helped entice my non-morning children to get up, and I didn’t worry about cleaning up until after we got home from church.  After church I confiscated socks and shoes and put them away so they would be easy to find the following week, which actually worked most of the time.  Any older child that was ready was assigned to brush the hair of a younger brother or sister and help get his or her shoes and socks on them.  I read once that it sometimes helped to have your children pick out their clothes the night before and I tried this and found my kids changed their minds by morning, so it didn’t work so great for me.  The biggest thing I did to help everyone be ready on time was to set my ready-by time one half hour before church began.  So if church began at 9:00 I tried to be ready by 8:30 which then gave me time to look for lost shoes, missing ties and deal with any problems that came up.  One time one of my daughters had a talk to give and had gone outside after she was ready for church and had taken her talk with her.  She set it down outside somewhere on our 4 acres and couldn’t remember where she had put it.  That half hour even gave me time to deal with that as we frantically looked for, found her talk and got to church on time.  I think one of the reasons I tried so hard to be on time was that I was aware we were a large group and caused a commotion when we entered late, which detracted from the reverence of the meeting.  I also felt quite of bit of stress to be on time and if we were running late I found myself yelling at everyone to hurry up which is ironic to go to church yelling at your kids. It doesn’t do much to create feelings of reverence and love to enter the building having been yelled at.  Most of all, I really liked having about 10 minutes to enjoy the music and shift my thinking from chaos to reverence and focusing on the sacrament.  It didn’t always work and sometimes no matter what I did there were bad mornings where nothing seemed to go right.  But the sweet thing was that most of the time it did work.

Diligence

I have a 16-year-old daughter with Down Syndrome.  She is an amazing person who was born with faith and when I tell her something, she believes me.  She loves going to church and participating in Sunday School and Young Women’s classes, and she takes seminary classes through her high school.  She always reminds me to do family scriptures and prayer and I know she reads her scriptures on her own and says her prayers each night, and she always remembers to ask for a blessing on her food- even in a restaurant.  Sometimes after she gets home from school when she’s had seminary or after a Sunday School class I will ask her what the lesson was about or something that she learned.  Her reply is always said with a little frustration “I don’t know.”  I can ask her several questions to try to prompt her memory but she genuinely doesn’t know what was talked about.  In some ways it’s even more remarkable that she persists in doing these righteous behaviors since she doesn’t remember what she’s taught or read. I have thought about her diligence in attending these classes and doing her own personal reading and remember the scripture in the Bible from John 14:26 which says in part “…the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance…”  The knowledge is in there and some day, because of her diligence, she will have all things brought to her remembrance through the Holy Ghost.

Obedience

I remember a time when I was young sitting in my family’s car with my brother and poking him with my finger just to annoy him.  I was probably about 10 and he was about 8 years old.  Of course my brother complained to my mother, who was driving our car, and she told me to quit poking him with my finger.  So I started poking him with my elbow and of course he complained again and of course she told me to quit poking him with my elbow.  Then I went to pinching him, and then to hitting him with my leg and anything else I could think of to be annoying while still being “obedient.”  I was having a lot of fun playing the game of being obedient but not really obedient, because I was doing what my mom said while still trying to get around it.  Since then I have learned the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law and doing something to be obedient and doing something because I love God.  Too often even now I do things because they are right to do, not because I love God and want to serve Him and show my love through obedience. And although it’s better to be obedient and do something that is right than to not do it, it’s even better to do something because of my love for my Savior.  I recognize that obedience as well as other gospel principles and doctrines really require giving my heart to God for me to get the most out of them and so really  serving God with my heart and being obedient out of love benefits me the most.

Motorcycles and Life

Many years ago I had a friend who rode his motorcycle from Minnesota to Provo, Utah to go to school at BYU.  He did it to save money on gas and to get his bike to school, and he said that while he was driving to school no matter what was going on he had to stay on the bike. He rode in rain, wind, heat as well as pleasant weather. He rode when cars passed him and splashed water or mud on him.  He rode when his body was stiff and sore and he was tired of sitting on the bike, and when he wanted to sightsee.  His goal was to get to school in a certain time frame so he had to keep on riding no matter what.  Obviously I have thought about that over the years and how it compares to life, and even though I don’t have the same time crunch, I really need to keep on going no matter the circumstances, no matter what life throws at me.  Of course sometimes it’s a pleasant ride and life seems good. But sometimes life is hard and I would like to curl up in a ball and hide until it’s all better. Sometimes it’s not going to get better soon, so I need to remember my goals and where I am going, I need to keep making good choices and loving people, I need to stay on the bike.

 

 

Rose Bushes and Ziplock Bags

There is a quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln that I particularly like: “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”  It reminds me that life is how you look at it and perspective can make all of the difference.  When my husband and I had been married only a few years and money was very tight and I would wash and reuse ziplock bags over and over again.  I hated washing them and having them out to dry and I looked forward to the day when I could afford to buy ziplock bags and just throw them away after I had used them.  Fast forward several years and the day did come when I could just toss them after using them, but then recycling became fashionable and I found myself washing bags and reusing them so I could be ecologically minded and help save the planet.  Funny thing is I didn’t mind washing and reusing them then, in fact I even felt good about myself and my effort to be a conservationist.  Nothing had changed but my attitude and in reflecting upon this I have wondered how many other situations I could have improved by changing my attitude. There are many things I have little control over but I always have control over my attitude and perspective.