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Category: Lessons Learned

Down syndrome,Lessons Learned

See The Good In The World

posted on : April 6, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I have written before about an organization called Orange Socks. Their mission is to teach people about the joys of raising a child with disabilities. Most people hear about or assume the difficulties and Orange Socks wants people to know there are good times as well as hard times. Their tag line is “inspiring life despite a diagnosis.” Orange Socks interviews families who have a child with disabilities and posts the interviews on their website as well as doing podcasts. They want people who are facing a diagnosis to hear from people who actually have a child with that disability. It helps to learn from those who have gone before us, to learn from them the realities of raising that child, of the good and the hard.

The reason why I am writing about this again is thatI have been privileged to go to several of the interviews. I was touched by the fierce love and advocacy the parents all have for their child and in some cases, children. I was impressed that these parents spoke mostly of the joys and happiness their child has brought to their family. When asked about the difficulties every parent said it was worth it, that they got far more back than they ever gave. I was amazed that in every interview I went to, except for one, the parents all spoke about how they relied on prayer to help them with their challenges. They spoke of receiving inspiration to help guide them as they cared for their child. The interviews have taken place all over the country, with people from many different religions. It really surprised me that so many people talked about praying. It surprised me that so many talked about relying on God to help them. It gave me hope to know of so many good people in the world. Sometimes it is easy to focus on the distressing things we hear about going on in the world. The media seems to blast daily sometimes even hourly the bad things that occur. It’s easy to think that most people are unkind and hurtful from watching the news.

There was another thing that happened also has given me hope. Several years ago I attended a 3 week program in Minnesota that focused on how to live with chronic pain. Every morning we had to set goals for the day, which were written on a white board in the classroom. One day, another woman in the program said her goal for the day was to express more gratitude in her prayers. That one comment is probably the thing I remember most from attending the chronic pain program. It told me that way over in Minnesota, there was a woman who believed in praying, who believed in God and in acting on that belief. It showed me that there are good people all over the country and world. Sometimes it seems like there is so much bad, and hurtful and horrific things that are happening. When I reflect on the parents interviewed and the woman from the program, I remember that there are good people in the world. Good people who believe in praying and believe in God. Who believe in helping others and giving service to their children. Even with the media bombarding us about all of the bad happening I know there is much good in the world. We live in scary times, but we also live in good and hopeful times. Take time to look for the good and you will find it!

Down syndrome,Lessons Learned

Down Syndrome and What I Have Learned

posted on : March 20, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

I was 45 when my last child was born. Because of my age the doctors wanted me to do genetic testing to look for possible defects. I declined because even if the tests showed something I wouldn’t have had an abortion, so why bother. I really thought there was nothing wrong. I had had seven other children that were healthy and I knew this child was supposed to come to our home so I just thought there couldn’t possibly be something wrong. Actually, I’m really glad I didn’t know beforehand that she had Down Syndrome because I would have worried about it the entire pregnancy. I would have gone to the worst possible scenarios and possibly have felt bleak. Not knowing beforehand saved me from a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

I have always had c-sections and when she was being born I could feel what the doctors were doing so the anesthesiologist quickly put me out. Later, in the recovery room, in my hazy rousing, I could hear my husband say that the baby had Down Syndrome. This was also a blessing because my brain began to process that information. When I was fully awake I had already accepted the information and surprisingly I was calm. Mostly I think I was trying to figure out what life was going to look like now. This was really different from how I thought it was going to be and I was trying to wrap my brain around my new reality, in a little bit of a daze.

She was born in the early afternoon and that evening after my husband had gone home and I was alone, I sat there pondering the situation. I think because I was calm I was able to hear the whisperings of the Spirit. I remembered two things that had happened in the past. One, when I was 25, was a Relief Society lesson taught by a woman who had four children, three of them with major disabilities. She spoke about how she had prayed about her children and their lives she had come to understand that for some reason this was God’s will and that her children had accepted this assignment in the premortal world. Because her children had great faith and obedience they had followed the will of the Father. At the time of the lesson I had a very strong witness that what she was saying was true. So strong in fact that I wondered about why I had had that experience. Every so often I would ponder on it throughout the years, still puzzled about the depth of it.

The next experience was remembering an Ensign (April 1993, p 27) article I had read several years before. The article was about a man who was pondering about his daughter with Down Syndrome, looking for some kind of peace as to why she was born this way. While pondering he had a remarkable experience. He said that it wasn’t a vision but more like a scenario that impressed itself on his consciousness. In his mind he saw his “family” in the premortal world and our Father and came to them and said He had an assignment for one of them. He said that our Father went on to say that the one would experience earth life differently from the rest of the family and it was necessary so that they could learn how to love purely and unconditionally. The man said that the “brightest and most beautiful” among them stepped forward and volunteered. The volunteer was his daughter with Down Syndrome. He wasn’t sure that this really happened in the premortal world but the principle that he learned was important: she was Child of God and that they had much to learn from each other. I personally think experiences like this are given to us in terms we can understand and are not literal, but they teach us important truths. The truth here is that our children come to us with great faith and together we learn things that help us grow and become better than we could otherwise.

So, back to the night in the hospital when my daughter was born. These two incidents came to my mind with the thought, “these were to prepare you for her.” A great peace and sense of wonderment filled me. Everything would be okay and we would be fine. That experience with the Spirit that night taught me several things. One was that this was not an accident. For some reason this was part of the plan. She was meant to come to my family and because of her great faith she accepted the will of the Father and was born to a different kind of life. I often remind myself that she is the “brightest and most beautiful” among us even if I can’t see that right now. She can be stubborn and obviously is not perfect. Another thing I learned was that God is aware of the details of our lives and prepares us for the things that are going to happen. I was not aware that I was being prepared but that didn’t stop the preparation from happening. When she was born God had taught me what I needed to know in order to love and care for her, and accept her. I still had a lot to learn but the foundation was in place and we could go forward secure in the knowledge that we would have His help. I have also learned since then that no matter what child you have there will be difficulties, challenges and hard times. Each child is unique and comes with his or her own challenges, they’re just usually not as obvious as Down Syndrome. I have also learned there will also be joys, peace and love. Every child has the ability to bring joy to your life if you are open to it. So, having a daughter with Down Syndrome is not exactly what I expected or thought how it should be. It’s even better.

Family,Lessons Learned

Work vs Family Fun

posted on : March 8, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

When my children were young there was always so much to do. I would wake up early to get kids ready for school or church, often after having been up several times during the night feeding a baby. I would work hard all day and late into the evening. There were always meals to fix, laundry to do and a house to clean. There was homework to supervise, children to bathe, as well as shopping to be done and music lessons to get kids to. During the spring and summer there was yard work and gardens to tend. During the fall there was canning and dehydrating fruit. I volunteered in the schools and there was church work to be done. I was always busy, busy, busy. Somehow I was self driven to try to do everything in my mind I thought I was supposed to do. Even when I was really tired it didn’t really occur to me that I didn’t have to do so much. I was a worker and work was what I did.

One day a few years ago I was talking with one of my daughters who told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to have children. She said it just seemed like a lot of work without any fun. She had watched me during the years and had seen all the work I did without really taking a lot of time for fun, and it seemed like drudgery to her. After talking with her for a while, I reassured her that she could make motherhood as fun as she wanted. This conversation left me feeling a little sad though. I felt sad that I had subtly conveyed the message that motherhood was all work and very little fun. I also started wondering about how much work is really needed to make a home run smoothly and how much is too much. Did I really need to do so much? I did do a lot of fun things with my kids. We had craft time, went to the pool and park several times a week during the summer and went to the movies often. We had halloween parties and celebrated birthdays with family parties and played board games. I read books with my children and we went to petting zoos and aviaries. But, even theses fun things were a lot of work because we often had not only my kids but half the neighborhood joining in. There were so many little fingers into the projects we did and getting anywhere with my crew took so much energy and work. I viewed having fun as work! And I was usually thinking ahead what needed to be done instead of being present and enjoying my family.

Now that my children are grown and gone I look at things a little differently. Perhaps I have learned to relax a little over the years. Maybe I see how fast the time has gone. Perhaps I have come to realize that work is important but that relationships need to be nurtured by doing enjoyable things together. Families do take a lot of work, even to have fun. But, having fun together is just as important as working together. Being together just for the pleasure of it without thinking about what still needs to be done. The kind of together that says I love you and I want to spend time with you. The kind of fun that says you are important to me. So, if I had another magic wand…

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&_r=1&old=true

Husband,Lessons Learned,Life

Tomato Soup and Tuna Sandwiches

posted on : March 2, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

When my husband and I were newly married we often had tomato soup and tuna sandwiches for lunch after church on Sundays. The only problem was I liked my tuna with mayonnaise and tomato soup made with milk. My husband liked his tuna with miracle whip and his tomato soup made with water. I couldn’t believe he liked it that way! After a light teasing about who had better taste and who was right, we came up with a solution to the dilemma. Whoever made lunch would get out two pans and divide the soup and put half into each pan, and to one add milk and to the other add water. The same happened with the tuna. It would be divided into two bowls and to one was added mayonnaise and the other miracle whip. Even though this was extra work it went on for several months and solved the problem of accommodating completely opposite tastes. One Sunday after church my husband was making our usual lunch of tuna and soup and I noticed he only had one pan out and one bowl in which to make them, and he was making them the way I liked them. I asked why and he responded it was just too much energy to divided everything, and being the kind person he is, he did it the way I like it. We have done it that way since then, almost 34 years. Yet, if he hadn’t simplified it, I would have kept it up because it’s so easy to get upset at stupid things and to let little things become big things. Little, unimportant things like tomato soup and tuna sandwiches get blown up out of proportion and cause unkind feelings between people. I once read a letter someone submitted to an advice columnist. It seems that the wife liked to keep her peanut butter in the cabinet and her ketchup in the refrigerator and the husband liked to keep his peanut butter in the refrigerator and his ketchup in the cabinet. They had been fighting about the right way to store them and they were asking the columnist to solve the problem. The answer? Keep ketchup and peanut butter in both places, the cabinet and the refrigerator. So simple, and if I had been the one to write the letter asking for help I would have wondered why I hadn’t thought of that obvious solution. Maybe I would also have wondered why I had spent so much energy and unkind thoughts on something so insignificant. Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in who’s right or the emotions of the situation that we don’t get to the problem solving stage. Most problems have solutions and if we take a few minutes to think about it we realize that usually it’s just a matter of taste or even habit, not what’s morally right. Realizing this allows us to think of solutions to problems that confront us and then everyone wins. Relationships take a lot of effort, energy and compromise but when both people are happy, life is good. I have found the when I take the time to focus on solutions to the problems that confront my husband and myself that we’re both happier.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/what-are-you-thinking?lang=eng

Children,Lessons Learned

I Hate Getting Up Early

posted on : February 16, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

I am not a morning person and I don’t like getting up early. My brain always feels foggy early in the morning, my bones feel stiff and my muscles rebel at having to work. Yet for over 30 years I have had to get up early to get kids ready for the day. I think I have complained the entire 30 years about it too. Recently I have noticed my 17 year old daughter (the one with Down Syndrome) saying the exact same thing I say, “I hate getting up early.” She says it frequently and bemoans the fact that she has to get up when the sky is still dark. Her words and her attitude echo mine but the funny thing is she really gets up easily early in the morning. She has learned to say those words and exhibit grumpy behavior because I do. Children are a great reflection of their parents words, actions and attitudes. They learn how to think and act about things from our behavior and sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s not so good. Since hearing my daughter repeat not only my words but my tone of voice too, I have decided to not complain anymore (at least about getting up early). Now I have started focusing on the positive with her about getting out of a warm bed while its still dark outside. In my tired, fuzzy mornings I now say things like “aren’t we lucky that you get to go to a good school” or “you’re so lucky you get to ride the bus” because she absolutely loves to ride the bus. I still don’t like getting up early but focusing on the positive has been a good thing. There always is something positive to focus on because I live in a nice home that’s warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I have good food to eat and clean water to drink. Life is good and my words and attitude should reflect that. Hearing my daughter sound like me has also been a good thing. It helps me reshape my thinking and become aware of the things I say or do that maybe I need to change. Some things are easy to change while other things can be very difficult, but we do have help available. Keith Wilcox in the April 1985 General Conference said, “By seeking the Lord through prayer and through his holy scriptures, we learn to look for the beautiful and to develop positive attitudes.” God is in the details of our lives and will help us when we ask for His help, whether it’s something easy or something hard.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1985/04/look-for-the-beautiful?lang=eng

Children,Lessons Learned,Parenting

Orange Socks

posted on : January 24, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

My family has been involved in a project called Orange Socks. It’s an initiative of Rise, inc. and its purpose is educate people on the joys and challenges of raising a child with disabilities. Its tag line is “Inspiring Life Despite a Diagnosis” and they work to connect parents with each other to create support systems. Most of the time people associate challenges with raising a child who has disabilities but often don’t know of the joys that come to parents and siblings. The initiative started when statistics showed that most children with Down Syndrome are aborted. The Orange Socks founder realized that most people who are told they are having a child with Down Syndrome only heard the negative things about having a child with this condition. He decided to interview parents of children with Down Syndrome to get the good things as well as the hard about raising a child with this syndrome. It didn’t take long before Orange Socks branched out to include all disabilities and to also interview siblings. The initiative is now celebrating its two year anniversary and has interviewed over 100 families from all over the United States. The interviews can be heard on their website Orangesocks.org. In the last year they have also started doing video interviews.

I have been lucky enough to be involved in some of the interviews. I am amazed to see parents tackling hard situations and more than rising to the occasion. They grow as individuals as they care for their children in some times hard ways. Often other people will say something like “I could never raise a child with disabilities, I’m not strong enough.” What I have learned is that people are stronger than they think. In the interviews I sat in the parents all talked about how they rely on prayer and God to help them. They also talk about how their other children have learned to be more compassionate and kind. People sometimes forget that whatever child they have will have some challenges. In my experience with my daughter who has Down Syndrome I have some challenges that I did not have with my other children. But there are also some challenges that I had with my other children that I will not have with her, and she definitely has taught us a lot.

What really amazes me is that these parents in the interviews focus on the joy their child has brought to their lives and how much they love that child. They also talked about how they feel it is a privilege to “raise an angel.” The Orange Socks founder says there are usually three stages that parents go through when they find out they are having a child with disabilities. The first stage is “Why me,” as they come to terms with it. The second is “Why not me” as they realize life goes on and they are stronger than they thought. Eventually parents get to the third stage which is “Thank God it’s me” when they learn they have the privilege of raising an angel.

https://orangesocks.org/

Lessons Learned

The Mysteries of Bottled Fruit and Family History

posted on : January 17, 2019 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 10 Comments

When I was a teen I was interested in learning to bottle fruit and I was intrigued by the mystery of canning. My mother didn’t know how to bottle fruit and so I had never seen it done. I was sure it was a hard, mysterious process known to the lucky few. I was also sure that if somehow I ever had the chance to bottle fruit I would do it wrong and poison someone, and so I had a lot of fear about it. But I had eaten bottled peaches at someone’s home and they were so much better than commercially canned peaches, that I decided I wanted to learn to bottle fruit. My grandparents had an apricot tree and when I was in college I asked my grandmother if I could help her bottle apricots. I was hoping that she would teach me how to bottle and that it would be easier to do than I thought. So, one Saturday in the summer I went to her house and helped pick apricots. She showed me how to bottle fruit and it was a lot easier than I thought, much easier. In fact I couldn’t believe the process was so simple. I wrote everything down that she said to do and the instructions were just a few lines. It was really easy and what I had thought was a mysterious process was now something I knew how to do. I just couldn’t believe that something I feared turned out to be so easy. Having learned to do apricots gave me the courage to try peaches and tomatoes, and then jam. My grandmother taught me a skill I have used through out my life and it has blessed my family.

Family History is also another area that seemed to be a mystery. I would hear people talk about doing their family history and feel guilty because I had no clue how to do it. Many people over the years had tried to teach me and somehow it still remained a mystery. It just didn’t click in my brain how to actually do it. I didn’t understand the process and how to know if the record I was looking at was really the record of my family member. I didn’t understand how to record the record and connect it to my family line. I didn’t even know how to access my family line. I was really afraid of making a mistake. One Sunday in church they announced a new family history class for beginners starting the following Sunday. I decided to give it one more try. That Sunday I ended up sick and decided that I would never learn to do family history. The instructors were so nice and dedicated that they came to my house and taught me. Somehow this time it made sense in my dense, computer phobic brain. They taught me over the course of four Sundays and I took the handouts and followed them step by step at home. I knew that if I didn’t practice what they taught me I would forget what I had learned. Turns out Family history is easy, lots easier than I thought. It was really doable and again what I thought was a mysterious process was something I now knew how to do. Again, something I feared turned out to be so easy. I have branched out and done different family lines and have connected several hundred family names together. These family history instructors taught me a skill that I will use throughout my life and has greatly blessed my family.

Bottling fruit and family history have a lot in common. Both seemed mysterious and beyond my reach. Yet both, when I put my fear aside and learned how to do them, became something I was able to do. Sometimes my fear of doing something stops me from doing it, even if it’s something good. I have learned that usually my fears are silly and that I am capable of learning new things, even seemingly hard things. Next step, sky diving!

Family,Lessons Learned

The Key to Happiness

posted on : December 26, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

Another Christmas has come and gone and the years seem to be flying by. It wasn’t that long ago that I had little children who brought the wonder and excitement of Christmas into our home. Most of my children are adults now and I recently asked them what some of their favorite Christmas memories are. Most of them said that they loved doing Angel Tree or Sub for Santa projects, and they talked about the different projects our family did through the years. They even said it still brings them joy in thinking about the projects, and the happiness they brought to others. It’s interesting that they don’t really remember most of their gifts but they remember the service that we did. This is one of my favorite things about Christmas. It seems that so many reach out in service to others that it brings a joyful feeling into life, something almost tangible in the air. One of the reasons I like Christmas is because it gives people an opportunity to think of others, to reach out and serve. I like reading about the kind and wonderful things that people do for others. Recently I read a magazine article in Reader’s Digest that asked people how they find meaning or purpose in their lives. One of the replies that really stood out to me was from a man who said that he and his wife were having arguments about fair division of labor at home. He heard a sermon at church that talked about the benefits of serving others and he challenged himself to serve his wife every day for a month. He wrote about all of the little things he did around the house without thinking about who’s turn it was or who made the mess. He stated, “At the end of the month, I found that our life was happier, more contented, more intimate. I kept it up and more than won the lottery. We have been married for 30 years and look forward to many more” (Daniel Townsend, December 2018/January 2019, p. 31). This man found the key to happiness that many philosophers and church leaders have written about. When we serve others we are happier and often our own problems are put into perspective or diminish. Many people are searching for happiness and there are so many people who need help in this world. So this Christmas, give yourself a gift. Decide and follow through to volunteer at a school, at a hospital. Visit people in nursing homes or who are home bound. Help refugees, stock selves at food pantries or contact your local community service organization. Write a letter, make a phone call, send a text. There are so many ways to serve, and not only will you bless the lives of others, but you will be happier yourself. You will discover the key to happiness.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/i-was-a-stranger?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/finding-joy-through-loving-service?lang=eng

Faith,Friendship,Lessons Learned

Cheerfully Enduring to the End

posted on : December 18, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

A friend of mine recently died.  She had Multiple Sclerosis for many years and had been in a wheel chair and then bed ridden for the past 15 years.  She had lots to complain about and yet whenever I would see her in a store in a wheelchair she was cheerful and fun to chat with. During our conversations you would never think she had any problems at all, let alone a failing body.  To me she was the best example of cheerfully enduring to the end, focusing on others and looking for the good.  Years ago she was my Visiting Teacher and she told me a story about her mother and prayer.  My friend’s eight year old son was being baptized and she really wanted her mother to attend the baptism.  Her mother was not a member of our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) but my friend wanted to share the experience with her.  Since her mother did not want to participate in it, she decided to pray about it.  She prayed for several weeks that her mother would be able to attend the baptism, and then my friend was in a car accident.  She wasn’t seriously hurt but because of the multiple sclerosis she had to have some help so her mother came to stay with her to help her recover. This accident occurred shortly before the baptism of her son and so her mother was in town and attended it.  My faithful friend testified to me of the power of prayer and that God always answers our prayers even if in unexpected ways.  This story says as much about her as it does about the power of prayer.  I know she relied on prayer and her faith in Jesus Christ until the end of her life, especially when she was bedridden and struggled with bedsores and pain.  She showed grace in her trials and acceptance of God’s will, and as I struggle with migraines and other situations in my life I am grateful for her example of faith and cheerfully enduring to the end.  Hers was a life well lived.

Lessons Learned

The Parable of Bread Pudding

posted on : December 7, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

Many years ago I had a half a loaf of french bread and I thought I would make some bread pudding with it.  I had heard of bread pudding but I had never eaten it before or had even seen it so I thought this would be a new, fun adventure.  I found a recipe and went to work.  When I got to the part of the recipe where it referred to the bread, it was only one cup of cut up bread pieces.  I thought that wasn’t very much so it had to be packed bread.  I crammed as much bread as I could into the measuring cup and proceeded to make the bread.  It came out more like bread brick pudding but I never had it before so I didn’t know the difference.  I thought it was a little “thick” and couldn’t figure out why it was called a pudding when it was more like a loaf of bread.  My family ate it and I continued to make bread pudding occasionally. Then one time I had it for dessert in a restaurant.  It was creamy, pudding-like and delicious.  Nothing even close to a brick.  It was at this point that I obviously discovered that for years I had been making bread pudding wrong, very wrong.  So I tried it without packing the bread into the measuring cup.  It was light and pudding-like and delicious.

I have discovered that life’s like that.  Sometimes it takes someone showing me a better way, the correct way to get the results I want. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing something the wrong way, that there is a better way.  Of course I have to laugh at myself when I find out I could have been doing something different or easier or better all along.  This also reminds me of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the many times I’ve done something my way, out of ignorance or even willful disobedience, when His way is so much better.  When I “kick against the pricks” of conscience because I want to do something my way.  This reminds me that when I’m finally ready to listen to Him and discover my way is so lacking and His way is so much better.  And I finally discover that doing something my way just produces a bread pudding brick.  And of course once I have tasted of His better way,  just like the creamy bread pudding, I want to do it His way.  The parable of the bread pudding teaches me to not settle for bricks.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/yielding-our-hearts-to-god?lang=eng