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Category: Family

Children,Family,Parenting

Taking the Long View

posted on : September 3, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

One day several years ago I got a phone call from one of my son’s 5th grade teacher.  She was calling to talk with me about how my divorce was affecting my son and his school work.  “Divorce?” I said.  “I’m not getting a divorce.”  It seems my son had found a creative way to get out of trouble for not doing his homework by telling his teacher that his parents were getting a divorce and it was upsetting him so much that he was unable to do his homework.  After reassuring her that my husband and I were happily married I also reassured her that this son would be turning in his homework in the future.  This same son is also the one who made bombs in soda bottles which caught our field on fire, climbed out his bedroom window with a 3 story drop below to play on the roof and jumped down our laundry chute and broke the bottom out of it.  He found a way to climb up onto the school’s roof which was supposed to be impossible and then of course the principal wanted to know how he did it so she could prevent other kids from doing the same thing.  My son proudly showed her how he managed it which then promptly negated the effects of any punishment we did. He stuffed toilet paper in toilets to flood them and used a hatchet to chop at the support beams in our then unfinished basement.  He used a rope to tie bedroom door knobs together so his sisters could not leave their rooms and he took things apart just to see how they worked, usually with a hammer.  One time my husband found something broken and yelled our son’s name.  This son asked “Why did you assume it was me?”  And of course my husband said “because it usually is you!” My husband and I talk frequently about how surprised we are that this son of ours managed to live to adulthood.  He crashed several 4-wheelers, rode his motorcycle standing on the seat, and rode skateboards with his friends on their stomachs underground in the city’s storm drainage system.  Why on their stomachs?  Because the pipe was only 2 feet in diameter so they couldn’t sit or stand up.  We despaired over this son and couldn’t figure out why he went from one stupid/crazy/dangerous thing to the next.  He argued with us over everything, and I mean everything.  He once told me that anything I told him to do made him want to do just the opposite.  I often thought that if he had just put half of the energy into homework or something positive the results would have been amazing.  The reason why I’m telling you all of this?  This son who seemed to go from one crazy thing to the next and who I fretted and despaired over has turned out to be a great adult.  He’s married to a beautiful young woman and they have a little girl and he has a job he loves and really works hard at it.  He takes being a good husband and father seriously, and he thanks my husband and me frequently for helping him in his life.  If I had raising him to do all over again I would praise more often, trust a little more, take the long view a lot more and ignore most of the stupid stuff.  Sometimes in the thick of things it’s really easy to lose sight of the big picture, it’s really easy to think that now means forever.  This son who I fretted and worried over has grown up just fine.

Faith,Family,Lessons Learned

More Than Enough

posted on : June 18, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I had a conversation with my son recently where he expressed regret at not having served a mission for our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  He wondered about being a Young Men’s Leader and what he would tell the Young Men in his ward when they asked about his mission.  I told him that he may not be able to talk about a mission but that he would be able to testify about the healing and redeeming powers of the atonement and it’s ability to change lives, and that there would be young men who would need to hear those words. The experiences he’s had will help many people draw closer to Christ and will help them understand that no one has gone beyond the reach of our Savior.  Too often we look at what we have done or haven’t done and think we are not good enough.  That we lack in our offerings to others and to our Savior, that somehow we are less than those around us.  That is simply not true!  God takes us where we are and what we have to offer and makes them more than good enough, and then uses those things we have learned to bless the lives of others.  All we need to do is give Him our hearts and be willing to serve where and how He wants us to.  Through Jesus Christ we become more than enough.

Family,Lessons Learned

Subtle Learning

posted on : June 7, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I have learned that there are many things that are taught in a family that both the parents and the children are unaware of that are being taught.  I grew up in Southern California away from extended family.  My mother had a brother, who lived with us, and a mother who we often didn’t know where she was and my mother didn’t know her father.  There was very little contact with extended family, no phone calls, no visits-they generally were not part of our lives.  The interesting thing is that my brothers and sister and I do not maintain contact with each other.  We love each other and when we’re together we have a great time but somehow it never occurs to us to call each other just to chat or to keep in touch or to invite someone over for dinner. My husband just shakes his head at me because he can’t comprehend not maintaining contact with loved ones.  He has weekly phone calls with his brothers and sisters and when his parents were alive he called them almost daily “just to check in.”  Fortunately, our children had their father’s example of staying in touch with his extended family, because they call and visit with each other daily.  It took me a long time to figure out why it never occurs to me to call my family, and it’s not that I don’t think about them and it’s not that I don’t love them.  It just never enters my thinking to call when I have news of something good or bad.  And since I rarely hear from my brothers or sister I am assuming that it doesn’t occur to them either.  It takes an event, like a wedding or a birthday or holiday for us to connect, just like it did when I was growing up, and I remember going to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving once.  And when we’re together it’s great and I love them and we always say we need to get together more and we mean it but then we go home to our subtle learning and don’t call each other.  Recognition is one of the first steps to change and maybe it’s time for me to change.

Church,Family,Parenting

Bringing Conference to My Family

posted on : June 4, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

When my children were younger they would usually listen to General Conference but they didn’t read the Ensign or New Era conference issues and study the talks.  One of the things I found helpful to bring the talks to them was to type up quotes and post them in my kitchen.  As I would read the talks I would mark quotes or ideas I thought would be good to post.  Every week, sometimes even longer if I didn’t have my life together (frequently) or if there was a quote I particularly liked, I would flip through the conference issue and find the things I marked and choose another quote.  I typed and printed it and then posted it in the kitchen, and since I had already marked the quotes, this only took a few minutes.  At one point I realized there were so many good quotes that I started doing two and put them in different areas of the kitchen.  When one of my daughters was a teenager she told me that she really liked having those quotes posted and she read them frequently, it helped her in her life, and that she even tried to memorize them.  I also hoped that it positively influenced some of my children who were struggling, and it was a way of preaching without preaching.  The funny thing is that I think I benefited the most from the quotes.  I would read and reread them as I worked in the kitchen and the words sank deeply into my heart and I was able to ponder on them.  I frequently thought about how I could implement the ideas and thoughts into my life, and some of the promises I clung to and still do.  This has been an easy and simple way to bring conference to my family.

Children,Faith,Family,Lessons Learned

It Must Be Important

posted on : May 31, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Every night it was a battle to round-up my quarrelsome, busy, active kids to do family prayer and scriptures. While I would read they would be elbowing, poking and even pretending to fall asleep.  It seemed they were physically there but not spiritually.  I once commented to my husband that I thought that by reading the scriptures and having family prayer every night we would have a more peaceful home.  He said to just think how bad it would really be if we didn’t do it!  It was a funny answer but not really satisfying.  I think part of the problem is that I had shoulds going through my brain, expectations of how my family really should be, and this wasn’t it.  I eventually learned that this was pretty normal behavior for most children but I still didn’t like it.  I really wanted to connect with my children on a spiritual level and impart my love of the scriptures to them.  Every once in a while there was a golden evening where the Spirit was present, and I could tell they were really listening but it didn’t happen very often, and I really cherished those moments.  I finally decided that persevering with this nightly process accomplished at least two things beside the obvious principles of obedience and spiritual education.  The first thing I think that was accomplished was that my children learned from our nightly battle to round everyone up is that if we were willing to do this huge task every night that it must be worth it, that it must be important. I hoped they learned that their mom and dad thought that gathering the family every night to read the scriptures and have a prayer together was a priority and so important that we did it in spite of the hassles.  I hope my children saw that we truly believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the ability of it to bless our lives.  The next thing I think that was accomplished was more for me as a parent than for my children.  I have a few children who have not embraced the gospel as I have hoped.  At this time they are not actively participating in the blessings the gospel offers.  As I have looked back, I am glad that we were consistent with family scriptures and prayers because I don’t have to wonder if I had just done them would my children who are less active be fully active now.  It’s so easy to blame myself but I don’t have to feel guilty over this.  I recognize that I did my best in this area and that we were consistent and they have made choices I don’t like but accept. I also have children who are actively participating in the gospel of Jesus Christ and I think that consistently doing family scriptures and prayer helped with that.  In spite of the hassles, doing family scriptures and prayer is worth it for many reasons!

Children,Church,Family

Family Home Evening Made Easier

posted on : May 28, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

We have been good at doing Family Home Evening but sometimes it was a real scramble to come up with something meaningful for the lesson on the little time we seemed to have.  What finally made it easier was the Friend magazine, which we found to be a great resource.  For each story there was always a scripture that went with it.  We would read the scripture out loud and then the story, and then we would read the scripture again and ask how it related to the story and then ask how the story/scripture related to our family.  A simple formula that worked well for us because it often seemed so hectic with little kids and big kids, after school activities, homework, and dinner and everything else that always needed to be done.  This was my go-to lesson plan when we didn’t have something specific that we wanted to talk about, and it often generated good conversations.  We also found the activities, articles on children in other countries, apostles and prophets were things my children liked to hear about, and even my older kids liked hearing a story read out loud.  This would last about 15 minutes and then, on a good evening, we even had time to play a game or do something fun with those who wanted to, which was usually the younger kids because really, we were lucky to get the older kids to sit there with for 15 minutes with us to begin with.

Family,Lessons Learned

A Magic Wand

posted on : March 15, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

If I could wave a magic wand and undo some things, one of the things I would undo would be how I handled the dishes after dinner when my kids were teenagers.  In my mind my kids were busy with homework and other equally important activities so after dinner I would usually clean off the table and do the dishes.  They had their after school jobs already done and I thought I was facilitating getting homework done. In reality I was teaching them to be oblivious to cleaning up after dinner. Even as adults, after family dinners they would leave the kitchen and gather in the family room to visit and play games. I would start cleaning up already tired from food prep and cooking for a large group while hearing laughter and talking and fun going on.  If I asked for help someone would gladly come in and do one thing and then go back to the group. At first I was upset by this but since these kids of mine are usually kind and helpful people, I thought about it and decided that it didn’t even occur to anyone to help clean up, and it was because I had trained them to be oblivious.  After discussing the situation, everyone has been much better at helping clean up, with bringing food and working together, and now there’s laughter and talking and fun going on while we’re cleaning up from dinner. Hmmm, maybe I do have a magic wand after all!

Faith,Family

Mice and Obedience

posted on : February 28, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Many years ago when my oldest children were young, I put together 72 hour emergency kits for our family.  It took me many hours to figure out what we needed and to do the shopping for the items.  My kids were little so I wanted to make sure I had things like coats, mittens and woolen hats in the kits as well as water, food and survival equipment. Since we didn’t have a lot of money it took hours of looking through second-hand stores to find what I wanted at reasonable prices. I was fortunate to find everything on my list including very used wool blankets which I had read had the ability to keep people warm even while they were wet.  I was quite thrilled with the things I had found and I organized everything into individual backpacks (something else bought at second-hand stores) so that, if need be, each person could carry something.  Then I put everything into a garden cart so that, if I needed, I could pull the cart by myself with my kids, if my husband was out-of-town on business.  I stored the cart in an outdoor storage space so I had easy access to it, and I was feeling pretty good about the results of my hard work and diligence.  At some point I realized I needed to update the items in the kits and pulled out the cart only to find that mice had gotten into everything.  As I sorted through the kits I found they had eaten all of the food, chewed holes in the clothes and blankets and left their nasty droppings everywhere.  It was disgusting and I was heartbroken.  I had worked so hard putting it all together and the only things salvageable were things like flashlights and canteens and other survival equipment. I picked up all of the other items and threw them all away-backpacks, clothes, empty food packs, everything, and I told myself I couldn’t do it again.  I didn’t have the money, energy, time or strength to make new kits, and so I didn’t.  In the back of my mind I knew I needed to make new kits but it was just so overwhelming, especially for something to be destroyed by mice again.  And so I didn’t.  Several years went by and one day, when I was feeling guilty about not having emergency kits, the thought came to me that it was a matter of obedience. That, if for no other reason, I needed to make new kits to be obedient to the directions given by the leaders of the Lord’s church. With that new thought I bought mice proof containers, simplified my wants, researched the best foods to store and spent many hours putting the kits together, and since by now we had all 8 of our kids it took even longer to do than the first kits. But, I did it!  Everything is still piled into a garden cart and I go through it every 4 years to replace the old with new, and the mice proof containers have worked great. I needed to be obedient and it wasn’t easy to do the kits again, but of course it was easier than I had imagined.

Family,Parenting

Families are Forever, or Does it Just Seem Like it…

posted on : February 8, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Many years ago, when my children were young, my family and I sat in a church meeting that had a “families can be together forever” theme.  During that meeting my children were rude and mean to each other, obnoxious and just down right ill reverent. By the end of the meeting I was worn out and turn to my husband and said “families can be together forever, is that a promise or a threat?”  That day it felt more like threat. People used to tell me that my children wouldn’t be young forever and that the years would fly by and to just enjoy them while they were young, and I thought “they are wrong, I will always have young kids!”  It was exhausting because all I did from the time I got up until I fell into bed at night was kids, kids and kids.  But you know what, those people were right!  The years have flown by and those same fighting, obnoxious kids are now each others best friends and I’m not sure when or how that happened.  Now when we gather there is laughter, and fun and just enjoying each other, and even occasionally there are still squabbles (we’re still far from perfect). So were all of the sleepless nights, sheer exhaustion and refereeing worth it?  I would do it all again only this time with a clearer vision of the future and I would worry less and enjoy the small moments more, because after all, families can be together forever, and that’s a promise.

 

Family

My Daughter-in-law

posted on : December 5, 2017 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

Recently I had the opportunity to witness the birth of my newest granddaughter, something that I find absolutely amazing and inspiring!  Last year when my daughter let me be there when her daughter was born I found the event to be incredibly touching, beautiful and spiritual.  I had always been at the other end of the baby business and even though I have 8 children, had never seen one born.  It was so amazing that I wondered how I could convince my other children to let me be present at future births.  When my son and his wife announced they were expecting, I asked my son to ask his wife (she wasn’t feeling good so she wasn’t present) to just consider the possibility of letting me be there.  Since she’s a very private and reserved person, I wanted to give her time to think about it.  He went home and called me back in a few minutes and said she would love to have me there.  I couldn’t believe she didn’t even need time to think about it because if my mother-in-law, even though she is a great person, had asked me that I certainly would have wanted to think about it. Our newest addition to our family is now 2 weeks old and she’s beautiful.  Her parents sit and just watch her breathe. They are in awe of her and already their lives and priorities have changed because of their willingness to serve her with unconditional love.  So to my daughter-in-law I say thank you!  Thank you for putting aside your privacy and allowing me to graciously share this moment with you.  Thank you for becoming an important part of our family, one who we love.  Thank you for loving my son, thank you for being you.