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Category: Children

Children,Down syndrome,Life,Parenting

Down Syndrome-An Opportunity to Educate

posted on : July 16, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

I have a daughter with Down Syndrome.  She is a delightful, fun, smart person and because she is the youngest of my 8 children her brothers and sisters have grown up with her and recognize that having Down Syndrome is not a curse but just another way of being.  They know she has her strengths and her abilities as well as weaknesses and things she’s not great at doing, just like everyone else.  Many people assume that having Down Syndrome is a negative thing, that it is a hardship and that people with Down Syndrome have a very poor quality of life, that it is something to be pitied.  I know I did before my daughter joined our family.  But now of course I know how wrong I was in my thinking.  One of my daughters married a man who has a son with Down Syndrome and they have custody of him, and my daughter loves him fiercely.  You don’t ever want to mess with this mama bear and her cub.  Sometimes when she tells other people that he has Down Syndrome their response is something like “oh, I’m so sorry” and you can see she wants to thump on that person to even imply that he is something to be pitied.  I have told her that when people respond this way to see it as a chance to educate them.  Most people don’t know the joy of having a child with Down Syndrome in their lives.  They don’t know the blessings of having a person in their home who is usually loving and kind, sympathetic to others and who is funny as well as who loves to learn and try new things. Someone who trusts their parents completely and takes joy in simple things.  Of course these traits are not unique to just people with Down Syndrome and not all people with Down Syndrome are exactly like each other but most people with Down Syndrome are loving and kind.  They often have a zest for life and an implicit trust in those they love.  My daughter with Down Syndrome believes what I tell her, which is a joy and a responsibility.  Most of us have challenges in life and have situations in our lives we didn’t plan on, and there are people who don’t understand those challenges or situations.  Taking time to educate others about some of our life’s circumstances increases understanding, empathy, compassion and often helps others in their own circumstances.

https://orangesocks.org/diagnosis-resources/down-syndrome/

Children,Lessons Learned

The Birds and the Bees, and Other Things

posted on : July 2, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 4 Comments

Many years ago when my oldest was about 7 years old she asked me where babies came from.  Knowing that this question would arise some time I had spent quite a bit of time reading books on how to discuss this topic with my children, so I was really prepared.  I told her all of the information I thought was age appropriate but made sure I included enough details so she basically had the information and afterwards I was really proud of myself on how I handled it and had answered her questions easily and just generally did a good job. I felt like I deserved a gold star on my parent chart for that conversation.  Several months later she asked basically the same questions and I was confused.  So I asked her if she remembered the conversation we had before on the same topic and surprisingly she said no.  I’m thinking, “wait a minute, you don’t remember that masterful job of teaching I did?”  So I was a little frustrated but I explained it again and I eventually learned that most topics that parents need to teach their children about need to be taught several times.  Usually there are many conversations that are needed to cover important topics because we learn in small doses.  I do this with General Conference.  A speaker will say something that my brain latches onto and I am no longer listening to what he is saying but thinking about the one thing that struck me.  When I finally tune back in I have missed all of the in between stuff.  Fortunately we have the Ensign to read the talks or can listen to them through media outlets.  Children are the same.  They need to be taught the same thing over and over until it sinks in, and they do better being taught in small doses.  After they have learned one thing well they are ready to learn the next component, and you can usually tell what they are really wanting to know by asking a few questions. So even masterful teaching requires being done over and over again, whether it is the birds and the bees or other things.

Children,Faith

Salt Dough and Prayer

posted on : June 21, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Several years ago when my son was in the fourth grade and studying Utah History, he announced to me, as he was getting ready for school, that he needed orange and brown salt doughs for school that morning to make a relief map, and he handed me the recipe.  Since he was my fifth child I was familiar with the project and fortunately the morning had been going smoothly so I had time to make the dough.  The problem was that I didn’t have brown or orange (or even red and yellow) food coloring.  I knew that I could mix cocoa powder into the dough to make brown but I was perplexed about what I could do to make orange salt dough and I frantically looked through my pantry to see if I could find something that would work. Nothing came to mind as I searched among my baking supplies.  I made the brown dough while still thinking about what I could do to come up with orange dough.  I decided to pray about the situation and I told Heavenly Father that I needed to make orange salt dough and didn’t have any orange food coloring and asked that if there was something I had that I could use to make the dough orange that He would inspire me to think of it.  As soon as I finished my prayer I thought of orange Kool-Aid and quickly looked in the container I had of Kool-Aid and found several packages of orange.  I gave a quick prayer of gratitude and about 10 minutes later had orange salt dough that smelled really good ready to go with the brown salt dough, which since it was chocolate, also smelled great.  Prayer is a wonderful gift we have that blesses us in many ways, in some simple ways and in some serious and complex.  Prayer to me is an indication of a Father’s love for His children, that He is concerned about even trivial things in our lives that we need help with.  That morning I felt His love as I made orange salt dough and as my son went to school with the best smelling salt dough in the school.

Children,Faith,Family,Lessons Learned

It Must Be Important

posted on : May 31, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Every night it was a battle to round-up my quarrelsome, busy, active kids to do family prayer and scriptures. While I would read they would be elbowing, poking and even pretending to fall asleep.  It seemed they were physically there but not spiritually.  I once commented to my husband that I thought that by reading the scriptures and having family prayer every night we would have a more peaceful home.  He said to just think how bad it would really be if we didn’t do it!  It was a funny answer but not really satisfying.  I think part of the problem is that I had shoulds going through my brain, expectations of how my family really should be, and this wasn’t it.  I eventually learned that this was pretty normal behavior for most children but I still didn’t like it.  I really wanted to connect with my children on a spiritual level and impart my love of the scriptures to them.  Every once in a while there was a golden evening where the Spirit was present, and I could tell they were really listening but it didn’t happen very often, and I really cherished those moments.  I finally decided that persevering with this nightly process accomplished at least two things beside the obvious principles of obedience and spiritual education.  The first thing I think that was accomplished was that my children learned from our nightly battle to round everyone up is that if we were willing to do this huge task every night that it must be worth it, that it must be important. I hoped they learned that their mom and dad thought that gathering the family every night to read the scriptures and have a prayer together was a priority and so important that we did it in spite of the hassles.  I hope my children saw that we truly believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the ability of it to bless our lives.  The next thing I think that was accomplished was more for me as a parent than for my children.  I have a few children who have not embraced the gospel as I have hoped.  At this time they are not actively participating in the blessings the gospel offers.  As I have looked back, I am glad that we were consistent with family scriptures and prayers because I don’t have to wonder if I had just done them would my children who are less active be fully active now.  It’s so easy to blame myself but I don’t have to feel guilty over this.  I recognize that I did my best in this area and that we were consistent and they have made choices I don’t like but accept. I also have children who are actively participating in the gospel of Jesus Christ and I think that consistently doing family scriptures and prayer helped with that.  In spite of the hassles, doing family scriptures and prayer is worth it for many reasons!

Children,Church,Family

Family Home Evening Made Easier

posted on : May 28, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

We have been good at doing Family Home Evening but sometimes it was a real scramble to come up with something meaningful for the lesson on the little time we seemed to have.  What finally made it easier was the Friend magazine, which we found to be a great resource.  For each story there was always a scripture that went with it.  We would read the scripture out loud and then the story, and then we would read the scripture again and ask how it related to the story and then ask how the story/scripture related to our family.  A simple formula that worked well for us because it often seemed so hectic with little kids and big kids, after school activities, homework, and dinner and everything else that always needed to be done.  This was my go-to lesson plan when we didn’t have something specific that we wanted to talk about, and it often generated good conversations.  We also found the activities, articles on children in other countries, apostles and prophets were things my children liked to hear about, and even my older kids liked hearing a story read out loud.  This would last about 15 minutes and then, on a good evening, we even had time to play a game or do something fun with those who wanted to, which was usually the younger kids because really, we were lucky to get the older kids to sit there with for 15 minutes with us to begin with.

Children,Faith

She is a Child of God

posted on : May 17, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

When one of my daughters was very young I found her challenging to deal with.  It seemed she wanted to do just the opposite of whatever I wanted her to do and even though she was very young we battled on almost everything.  I knew that I didn’t want that kind of relationship with her but I had not yet learned that most of the things I insisted on were not that important.  I also knew I wanted to have a calm, peaceful atmosphere in my home, not one in which we battled against each other.  Perplexed as to know what to do I remember praying about it one day and asking Heavenly Father to remind me that she was a child of God whenever I was frustrated with her or arguing with her.  The day went as usual and before long we were in another battle but in the midst of it the thought “she is a child of God” came firmly to my mind which actually took me back a little.  I stopped arguing and handled it differently.  Unfortunately it took me many years to learn what was important and what wasn’t, but I did learn that if I prayed for specific guidance and help that Heavenly Father would bless me with it.

Children,Lessons Learned

Life Out Loud

posted on : May 14, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

Sometimes, when I would be in a public place with my children and they would see someone smoking, one of them would loudly say “mom, why is that man smoking?”  It’s hard to know what to say in these situations because you want your children to know that smoking, or any other behavior you object to, is not okay but at the same time you don’t want to embarrass the person your child is talking about. Children are great at pointing out incongruities while they are trying to figure out family and societal rules. They are trying to make sense of what they have been taught and what they are actually seeing, and that can lead to awkward situations.  After thinking about it over time I came up with a statement that worked for me.  When one of my kids would loudly point out something that went against what they had been taught I would tell them “we all have things that we need to change about ourselves and smoking (or whatever it was) is just a more obvious thing.”  Sometimes they asked a few more questions but they usually seemed to understand what I meant, that even with good rules people aren’t perfect and we all need to improve.

Children,Parenting

Mother’s Day

posted on : May 10, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

I always have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day and in most ways I used to dread it.  This is what I wrote in my journal in 2003: “Today is Mother’s Day.  I hate Mother’s Day.  I hear the talks in church and realize all the things I am not doing, that I will never be and never do and not only do I feel guilty, I feel depressed and sad that my children don’t have the mother they deserve.  Today the talks in church were different though. The speakers were assigned to talk about a principle of the gospel they learned from their mothers.  I liked this and for once I didn’t come home from church feeling like a failure…As I sat there thinking (about what the speakers were saying, I thought) about what I learned from my mother, I thought of the principle of tithing.”  I have previously written about how my mom paid tithing on the very little money that she earned and attributed that to our family making it until she graduated from nursing school and got a job.  Because of her firm testimony of tithing I have always paid my tithing, even when I was a very poor college student and I have seen many blessings, not always material, from paying tithing.  I also wrote what I learned from my mother-in-law: “I know that she has a firm belief in the power of prayer.  Many times when she has had problems she has told me that she would immediately fall to her knees and pray.  She has felt a real strength from praying in her life and I believe that has carried over to her children who have such a firm commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.”  Her unflagging devotion to the gospel and prayer have taught me much about praying and I have learned from her to always turn to my Heavenly Father in times of great need and in times of little need.  Some things I hope my children have learned from me include that the gospel is the way to happiness, that love is the key to solving most problems, to be honest with yourself and with others, and to work hard and do your best in whatever you do. Even though I’m not perfect in living these attributes I know them to be important and have gotten better at living them over the years. In spite of my many shortcomings and weaknesses my children are fine adults doing much good in the world.  Whenever I feel badly about not being a better mother I remember a conversation I had with one of my daughters where I apologized for yelling too much and not being patient enough.  She said “mom, I don’t remember you yelling.  I remember you singing and dancing with us in the family room.”  I tear up when I think of this conversation because   maybe I did better than I think, and maybe Mother’s Day is not something I need to dread.

Children,Lessons Learned,Parenting

Younger Mom, Older Mom

posted on : May 7, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 2 Comments

When I was a younger mom with my first four children we were always busy with fun things like going to the park, zoo, aviary, and swimming in the summer several days a week.  I did crafts with them, read out loud frequently and sang and danced with them in the living room.  In the winter when it was snowy cold outside I even did picnics on the kitchen floor with them and played games with them.  I also yelled more, demanded more obedience and had ideas of how life should be and how children should act, I was kind of exacting.  I was fun but not very patient.  As we had more children and I was an older mom I tried to do fun things but it seemed that I was frequently running the older kids to music lessons or sport activities, friend’s houses, dance classes and church activities and so the fun mom sort of disappeared.  There was more laundry to do, more shoes to buy and more squabbles to settle. One day it occurred to me that I had never taken my youngest three kids to the zoo, and of course I felt guilty for not being a fun mom for them.  But, at the same time I had learned some things by then that were important and had figured out that some things weren’t so important, and I was a lot more patient.  I didn’t yell or get so upset so easily.  I also figured out that things don’t have to be perfect to be good, sometimes even great.  I was a lot more patient but not nearly as much fun.  As I have thought about it I haven’t figured out which group of kids got the better mom-the older kids with the fun mom or the younger kids with the more patient mom.  Ideally being both fun and patient would have been best and of course I wish I had been both to all of my kids. I can’t undo or change things in the past so now I go forward and be the sometimes fun but patient grandma.

Children,Faith,Life

Perfection Pending

posted on : April 26, 2018 posted by : Somethingsihavelearned 0 Comment

A week after one of my sons was baptized, when he was eight years old, he came to me in tears.  He said “I just can’t do it.  I’ve tried and tried but I can’t be perfect.”  He was very serious and crying because he thought that all was lost.  He said that he had tried all week-long and just couldn’t be perfect. It gave me a wonderful opportunity to explain about the atonement of Jesus Christ and sincere repentance and grace and how they work in our lives.  God knew that despite our best efforts and intentions that we would make mistakes and we would sin.  He lovingly provided a way for us to overcome these mistakes and sins through the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  And the atonement of Jesus Christ not only gives us opportunity to repent of sins but also give us strength and help during that process and during the process of life as we try to overcome ourselves.  David O. McKay, a great prophet, once said “The purpose of the gospel of Jesus Christ is to make bad men good and good men better.”  The Gospel, through the atonement of Jesus Christ, helps me to be better and do better.